- Flush "flushable" wipes. Yeah -- they say they are, but they're not, not really. They don't decompose and they clog up the pipes and then the plumber has to come out and snake out the pipes and it's costly and ugly, and just don't.
- Throw chunks of meat down the garbage disposal. Remember not throwing in celery because the strings will tangle the disposer? Meat works the same way, and this type of clog always seems to happen at 10:30 pm when you're just about ready to go to bed but you decide to finish up the last of those dishes so you can wake up in the morning to a tidy kitchen so you throw the last questionable leftover food down the sink and run the disposer and then spend the next two hours cranking that little unclogging thing under the machine and sticking your hand down the sink hoping the disposal doesn't spontaneously turn itself on and induct you into the "Sound of One Hand Clapping Society", and then bailing out as much water as you can get and squishing it into a bucket and finally going to bed and lying awake for another hour seething with the frustration of having tried something you knew had no possibility of turning out well, so just don't.
- Leave the house without going to the bathroom. Yeah, this is a Mommy Mantra where the kids are concerned, but you can't expect to make it through the afternoon traffic without hitting every single red light and merging school bus just because you thought you might make it, so just don't.
- Eat a chocolate covered banana an hour before bed time. Sure, your psyche insists and swears on a stack of psyche bibles that this time you absolutely, without a doubt will fall asleep just before your head hits the pillow and will not lie awake for 90 minutes twitching and replaying the entire sound track of "Mamma Mia!" over and over again in your head and revisiting your 75 most embarrassing moments from junior high to the present day, but you know that your psyche has never been reliable in the past when it wants chocolate, so just don't.
- Try to lift a full sized television or computer monitor into the car without assistance. Your back will ache for a week, so just don't.
- Mix that last bit of liquid dish soap with the last dregs of dishwasher liquid. Yes, both substances are intended to clean dirty dishes, but their conflicting chemical makeup requires that if you pour that last squish of Palmolive into the half empty Cascade bottle and then replace the child proof cap, before too long you'll observe that the Cascade container seems to be swelling and you'll figure it's your imagination and then you'll look back at it and know beyond doubt that it's swelling and you'll pick up the bottle to examine it and find that whatever's happening inside has caused the bottle to heat up alarmingly so you'll remove the child proof cap and the caustic soup that's been building up pressure for the last thirty minutes will shoot out of the bottle like a geyser and scare the living daylights out of you, so don't.
- While we're on the subject of Cascade, don't allow your sister's moronic cocker spaniel to sniff and lick the detergent after it's been added to the dishwasher; she'll become violently ill and you'll have to clean up after her, so don't.
- Wash a cucumber with soap. Yes, I know it's oily because they spray that oily stuff on it to make it look more delicious, but don't use soap to wash it off because no matter how relentlessly you try to convince yourself otherwise, you'll taste traces of soap in every bite, even after you've peeled the cucumber and smothered it in ranch dressing, so don't.
- Give in to a child's request to "share" your ice cream; it's not possible, they don't share, you won't get any, so don't.
- Peel, slice or otherwise manipulate jalapeno peppers and then attempt to touch your eye any time in the ensuing two days. This rule applies only to those who a) wear contact lenses or b) find it necessary to routinely stick their fingers in their eyes, so for all of you, and you know who you are -- don't. For everyone else -- peel, slice or otherwise manipulate to your hearts' content.
- Leave your cell phone on the edge of the table while you're having a pedicure. Twice. Cell phones don't recover from major dunkage in soapy water, so just don't.
- Put your purse on the back of a chair in a coffee shop and then try to sit down without first confirming that your chair is still technically vertical or else you'll be left struggling to determine if your wrenched back is worse than the astronomical embarrassment of falling on the floor, so just don't.
- Try to walk home with the dog from the car dealership that's at least three miles away on a chilly day wrapped in down coat, sweatshirt and long underwear along a very busy road that has no shoulder, because you'll get hot and sweaty and dizzy and have to take off most of your clothing and carry it as you wrestle to keep the dog out of traffic and not get hit by a school bus, so don't.
Not that I've ever experienced any of these things, but if you want you can read more about my klutziness.
