FeeFiFoto Blog

Declaration Of Independence Composed By My Fourth Grader: Interesting Homework Assignments

The assignment was to compose your own version of The Declaration of Independence, without reading the original first. 

Here's what Cupcake produced, with, I swear, no help from me or anyone else:

We the citizens of the United States of America hereby declare independence against England. We believe that monarchy is a poor form of government and we should live in a democracy. We will vote and make laws together. We will decide our taxes fairly. We will rule all in one place, not 3000 miles away from each other. We will rule better than the British Empire ever has because we will choose our leaders fairly, not just let them rule because they were born with the power. The British shall tell us what to do no more. We believe that King George III, King of England in this year, 1776, has done many things wrong, and we know that while we govern ourselves, we shall not repeat these mistakes. King George permitted the British parliament to tax us without a representative. Because of that, we were given horrible taxes and laws such as the Stamp Act, the Townshend Duties, the Declaratory Act, the Coercive Acts (which consisted of the Boston Port Act, the Quartering Act, the Administration of Justice Act, and the Massachusetts Government Act) and the Tea Act.

We are now the United States of America, free and happy in our own country. No longer are we the 13 Colonies, enslaved by the power of the British. No longer shall we pay un-approved taxes. No longer shall we give our money to the British for their selfish reasons and unworthy causes. No longer shall we endure the tyranny of King George. No longer shall we do as the British say. Now we shall open our arms to embrace the new life we have chosen to take. Now we are free! And that is why, on this day, July 4th , 1776, we declare independence!

I covered the American Revolution in 4th grade too.  We spent a considerable amount of time talking about linsey-woolsey, wooden teeth, and chopping down cherry trees.

Are your children getting a better education than you got?

Saving The Date, Creatively: Imaginative Save The Date Notices

Prospecting for Save the Date reminders to send to Robespierre's out of town friends six months before his Bar Mitzvah.  See Part I here.

We'd need only about a dozen or maybe 17 or, who knows, 20? save the date notices, just for guests we hope will travel to Robey's Bar Mitzvah; everyone else will already be in town.  In a rare moment of clarity I recognized that we weren't limited to a plain reminder card; I could send something more imaginative at cost from FeeFiFoto.  

First I thought I'd create personalized calendars with photos of Robey on each month and the date of his Bar Mitzvah highlighted.  But then I realized that, while calendars are a great gift for aunts, uncles, and grandparents, his friends might not be as impressed with 12 months of Robey as they would be with Sports Illustrated swimsuit models, so the calendars might just languish in desk drawers.  Plus, how many photos of a boy in a cap from his favorite baseball team can you include in a calendar before you have to resort to the Puffy Chicken costume?

 

So much for calendars.

Next I considered greeting cards, which are easy and very inexpensive to produce and mail.

Cards are nice.  We keep most of the holiday cards we receive every year so Robey and Cupcake can keep track of how their friends and relatives have changed over the years.  But a greeting card just didn't seem to be impressive enough to hold the attention of teenagers, and since we needed only about a dozen we could afford to be a little more avant garde.

Cards -- nope.

What to send?  What is it that 13 year old boys might use for years to come, that might not actually embarrass them, that might be cool enough to compel them to cross state lines in Robespierre's honor?

I considered mouse pads but Robey's friends probably have their own mouse pads and might not find it cool to use their friend's Bar Mitzvah invitation to navigate Facebook*.

A mug, perhaps?  Mugs are nice.  They're portable.  Unless they routinely slurp from the garden hose, most people use cups or mugs for their Ovaltine or YooHoo*.  And the cost wouldn't be prohibitive, since we don't have to send one to every potential guest, but only to those who are likely to have some kind of conflict coming up and need to plan far ahead.  The list couldn't possibly include more than ten people... or a dozen... or, wait a minute, we forgot to add a few friends but no more than 30... and let's not forget the German exchange student and the counselor from Scotland... 

At least it's still less than 50. So far.

Egads -- if all these boys come in, what am I going to do with them?  It's a safe bet that we won't spend the weekend watching You've Got Mail and doing manicures...

*Spell Check tried to pull off saltiness, Valentine, facetious, Yokohama, and boyhood but strangely, not Yahoo.

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Remembering Not To Forget: Sending Save The Date Reminders

Ever have two, or three, or infinite opportunities that all arise on the same day?  How do you choose?

Robespierre has blindsided me in the midst of Bar Mitzvah preparation, which diverges from planning a war mainly in degree of spontaneity; planning B'nai Mitzvot (plural of Bar Mitzvah.  You just learned something) must be conducted many months in advance, and requires you to predict weather conditions, which of your child's friends will still be his friends six months from now, your weight, and who might be maneuvering selfishly for a share of your guest list by thoughtlessly planning competing B'nai* Mitzvot on the same weekend.

Through all stages of planning so far, we haven't encountered many conflicts.  One friend is planning a Bar Mitzvah the same day but the guest lists don't overlap too much, except that Click, my sister's husband, seems to think he'll be able to attend both so the other family has offered not to invite him but I suspect he'll try to show up anyway and knowing him, he'll pull it off.  Robey's Bar Mitzvah comes just after the end of the school year so we won't have to work around school nights or homework or exams.  The weather in early June should be pleasant and reliable unless we run into a particularly aggressive tornado season, in which case we'll probably have more important things to worry about than lox and gefilte fish (don't ask -- you wouldn't like it).  We don't have a lot of out of town friends or relatives (Hi Linda!) so I've been planning an extended weekend without devoting much thought to coordinating varied travel schedules.

But.

There's always a BUT, isn't there?

Unbeknownst to me, Robespierre's been cultivating a kudzu-like list of camp friends from out of town who absolutely MUST be invited and will most likely end up staying with us when the weekend rolls around.  To further complicate matters, Robey's Bar Mitzvah date falls less than a week before the start of camp, when parents are finalizing arrangements for a two month stay at a Mediterranean resort packing trunks and duffel bags, fitting in last minute haircuts and orthodontist visits, and self-addressing stationery that will come back two months later crushed but otherwise unsullied. 

Here's the equation in case you've lost your bearings, and I don't blame you because I'm rapidly losing mine and I have all most some of this stuff neatly organized in a binder:

2 3 7 13 17 Out Of Town Camp Friends

notice clever use of prime numbers for no reason except my impulse to prove I know them

+

Event Occurring Between End Of School And Start Of Camp

=

Ruh Roh.  Will ANYONE Attend Robespierre's Bar Mitzvah?

Save The Date notices.  We'll need them. 

Thanks for the tip, Liz.

Save the date.  Hmmm.  Save. The. Date.  What to send that would be smart, memorable and keepable? because I'm all about mementos.

Tell you tomorrow.

Spell Check offered Banzai or hobnail.

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No Need To Watch These

I usually concentrate on the needs of my readers, but occasionally I indulge in a touch of egocentricism.  I'm posting these to create a permanent record of the acting genius of Cupcake The Narrator. There's no obligation to watch these or leave a comment.  Nobody will pull up stakes, move to North Dakota and become a hermit if you don't visit Cupcake's blog and leave her a compliment.  No sirree bob -- no one's keeping score, no one knows where you live, and no one has a garage full of toilet paper which might accidentally on purpose end up entwined in your trees.  Nope.

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Dog Is My Copilot

Great way to save time blow drying the dog's pouf

Mr. Bean Puts The Turkey On

Do you know Mr. Bean? Have you ever worn a turkey on your head?

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Scaramouche, Scaramouche -- Will You Do The Fandango For Christmas

Congratulations. Now this song will be running through your head until at least December 26th. You're entirely welcome.

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Is This New Or Have I Been Dozing Off Again?

Navigating BlogHer has just gotten easier.

A few weeks ago I emailed BlogHer to ask for an easy way to locate other BlogHer bloggers, since my scattered brain can't seem to cope with a Chinese-menu-sized list of blogs and whenever I explore I end up choosing sites with cool names that haven't been updated since April because apparently they used up all their creativity on cool names and have nothing left to devote to actual writing and then I get frustrated and disgusted and give up and go back to reading Daisy, Bossy, Cupcake and The Blogess. 

Their response was quick and clear: click to the BlogHer advertising page and select from the list of blogs in the column on the left.  So I tried it and found some impressive sites and I was all Lalalalala* and then I noticed... The Search Widget.

I didn't want to startle it by making any sudden moves so I tiptoed carefully and quietly around it and then I uploaded it here and gadzooks! not only does it provide short and constantly rotating lists of BlogHer bloggers, but one day last week it even featured mine!  That means it works!  And it found me!  And I'm popular!  Or something!

Do you have a pet widget?  Why or why not?

*Spellcheck suggested Balalaika, Lallygagged and Phenylalanine as alternatives for this word.  Really, Spellcheck?  Seriously?

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Too Much Time On Your Hands, Perhaps?

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This Is The Surest Way To Get Coal In Your Stocking -- If Anything

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Christmas Lights: Why Reinvent The Wheel?

Here's to the spirit of Christmas fellowship and cooperation throughout the neighborhood:

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Holiday Stress? Why, Whatever Do You Mean?

Just one more post about avoiding holiday stress.

It seems that with all the conveniences at our disposal (for example -- the disposall, which makes cleaning the kitchen ever so much easier than having to fish every last bit of carrot peel out of the sink strainer so I don't have to call a plumber in the middle of the night) life wouldn't be as frenetic or demanding as in Laura Ingalls Wilder's time.  For example, if I want a turkey for Thanksgiving or Christmas I don't have to polish up the rifle and train a long-haired turkey retriever to find a turkey to shoot, shoot the turkey and then defeather it and butcher it and build a fire to cook it and in the meantime grow enough wheat to grind into flour so I can bake bread to stuff the turkey and while I'm at it fend off hungry varmints gathering at the door because they can smell the roasting turkey and would happily tear down our front door to get at it...

Where was I?

Ah.  The stress of the holiday season.

Every year I flounder through bucketsful of advice on how to make the holiday season easier, much of it redundant or embarrassingly obvious or darn near impossible, but some of it based on good sense.  I found some excellent suggestions at Blisstree, the best of which, in my opinion, I've harvested to repeat here.  The list is made up of 23 items. 

Why 23?  I don't know.  Maybe there's some special symbolism to the number 23 (23 dogmas in the doctrine of the Catholic Church?  23 or so Hebrew letters in the Torah?  Caesar was stabbed 23 times?) 

In any case I've picked my favorites, those that don't seem too obvious or great in theory but nearly impossible to execute:

• Lower expectations. Have a realistic view of what is really important. Your kids want your time. They are not going to remember the Martha Stewart decorations – unless you involve them in the making of the decorations.

Hey, I'm the Queen of Lowered Expectations, as well as the Duchess of NO, the Princess of We'll See, and the Countess of I'm Counting to Three Via Halves, Quarters, Eighths and Sixteenths.  This works for me.

• Ask yourself, “If I only had half the time, what would I do?” This will help you prioritize.

I need to ask myself this question every day.  It seems like such a no brainer but I seem to apply it best only when I'm under extreme pressure, like those days when the smoothie has just spilled on table and the floor and the dog is lapping up the smoothie and we have to leave for school five minutes ago; on such a day the dog gets thrown in her pen, smoothie removal is rescheduled, and retrieving the newspaper from the driveway has to wait for later.

• Shop online or from catalogs.

This seems to be a really good time to plug my web site, FeeFiFoto, for easy and meaningful holiday giving.  We can put your photos on almost anything (personalized calendars, photo mugs, tee shirts, personalized microfiber handbags, canvas totes, Christmas ornaments with your favorite photos, keepsake boxes -- you name it.)  Just about anything except for billboards (too big) and tattoos (eww -- too creepy).

• Read... stories to your children. This allows you to sit down, relax and connect.

I still do this sometimes with Cupcake.  She likes me to read Dr. Seuss to her and I try not to indicate how much I love it because then she might not let me do it any more.

• Remember how you felt on December 26 or January 2 last go ’round. What did you say you’d never do again? What did your kids enjoy most? How would you like to feel this year after the holidays? How can you achieve this?

This one seems so obvious but I guess enduring the holiday season is similar to going through labor, in that you seem to forget the worst parts.  Write a note and put it where you'll see it next fall -- if you hated doing it last year, don't even attempt it this year.

• One last de-stresser: the holidays will pass and you’ll survive. You always do.

Sigh.  Really?  You promise?

What are your holiday stress triggers?

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Can This Girl Be My New Best Friend?

Cupcake and I saw this girl perform this poem at the convention where Cupcake's choir performed yesterday.  I want to have lunch with Taylor Phillips every day for the next year.  And dinner.  And tea.  I want her to come to my house and just talk and be brilliant.  Knowing someone like her might make me feel smart.

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Leave Me A Comment And See Your Avatar In Action

Hey, look what I just did to my blog, courtesy of Typepad.  Now when you leave a comment you can  have either your own personal icon or this flowery thingie appear next to your comment.  This feature is extremely useful for those of you who are extremely vain, since can revisit your comments here and find them easily, reread them with pleasure, check to see how many people have commented admiringly on your wisdom and profundity, or admire the beauty and pithiness of the .25" by .25" avatar you believe represents your deepest personal thoughts and attributes.

So comment away, fans.  Let's see who can leave their little face on this blog more than anyone else.

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Staying In Hotels At Home: Blessing Or Curse? Discuss.

Does anyone besides me get the willies from staying in a hotel in one's home city?

Cupcake and I spent the night in a hotel last night.  In our own city.  Cupcake loves hotels and I like them pretty much, but staying in a hotel in my hometown makes me uncomfortable, gives me the willies, and frankly depresses me more than a little.

Robespierre left yesterday morning to attend a friend's Bar Mitzvah weekend extravaganza blowout in Chicago.

By the way, were you aware that when a flight is abruptly canceled with no notice just as you're waiting for it to board and the lady gets on the PA system and you think Great -- it's about time and instead she announces that the equipment is out of service and the flight has been canceled so everyone needs to line up politely and wait their turn to get onto another plane, the best things to do are:

1. Call your mother and have her get on the phone to the airline

2. Call your father and have him get on the airline's web site

3. Call the airline yourself from the airport

4. Disregard tips 1 through 3 inclusive because unaccompanied minors are the first to be booked on the next flight

Yeah.

So Robey left for Chicago and Cupcake and I spent the night at the Hyatt, not completely out of vanity and extravagance but also because spending the night downtown made sense, since Cupcake's choir was scheduled to perform at a convention and she needed to be at the convention center by 7:00 am.  We checked into a hotel so we could get up in the morning, have breakfast, walk to the convention center, sing (her), watch (me), walk back to the hotel, get in the car and go home.

By the way, Hyatt?  That thing about charging $19 for overnight parking and then boasting that it's so worth it because we get in and out privileges?  Kind of uncool.  Cupcake was funny though: Even in Monopoly you get Free Parking.

Cupcake was all excited about spending the night in a hotel and ordering room service but we ended up in the restaurant where the food was way too delicious to be healthy.

By the way, Ruth's Chris?  That thing about making customers listen to the history of the chain including the recitation of Ruth's Chris locations around the world including Japan?  Really uncool and borderline creepy.  But our waiter's name was Adonis and the name kind of suited him, so I forgive you but don't let it happen again.

After dinner we called my parents to check in, and then called my nephew, who was spending the night at our house to watch out for Miss Puppy.  And this is the part where I get a little depressed.

By the way, Stretch?  I'm really reeeeally REALLY sorry Miss Puppy gave you so much trouble.  Apparently I'm the only human being in the entire world who can convince her that she's not allowed to bark and cry for attention in the middle of the night.  I hope the potato omelet I made for you this morning helped you forget how incorrigible she was and how tired you are.

Staying at a hotel in my hometown makes me feel as if I've somehow been exiled from my own home.  I know it was necessary and having the company of the Cupcake kept me from being lonely, but I was really glad to get home this morning.  I woke up several times during the night, wondered where I was, and then glimpsed a well-known local landmark outside my window and thought Oh yeah -- I'm at home but not really at home.  Weird.

What is it about kids and room service?

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Time To Shop: Get A Head Start On Holiday Gift Shopping, And Get Free Shipping

FREE Shipping on Calendars Now Through November 15

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My Son Thinks He's Really Funny: Jib Jab Video

This is us. All of us. Even Little Miss, because Robey ran out of Us before he ran out of spaces for faces.

Guess who's who(m).

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!