Just One More Piece Of Technology For Me To Learn How To Turn On and Off

I finally joined the 21^st century.

Hold on.

Okay, I finally joined the 20^th century.

I bought a flat screen TV.

My kids watch TV.  I don't.  Not that I wouldn't like to.  I used to.  But there used to be stuff to watch and I used to not have kids in front of whom I'd be embarrassed to watch some of the stuff I watched when I used to watch.  Now, although I relish a touch of Schadenfreude (spelling bee word!) as much as the next guy, I feel as if I might burn in hell if I watch parents of sextuplets, or Guidos, or LA tarts, or low ranking celebrities make fools of themselves.  Therefore, to set a good example, and because everything on television stinks, and because I fear burning in hell, I don't watch TV.

Except for the occasional rerun of Monty Python and the Holy Grail or Saturday Night Live.

So why did I buy a flat screen TV? 

Because it will make me cool.  Because it will make my kids cool.  Because we just finished a renovation and the 22" tv-in-a-box that's been hanging on the wall for the past 12 years looks dorky.  Because the Super Bowl is imminent, and apparently the best time to buy televisions is right before the Super Bowl because the Super Bowl's a guy thing and TVs are a guy thing so there you go.

Do you know how hard it is to buy a television?  You used to go to a furniture store and pick up a TV, plug it in at home, set up the TV trays and then spend the rest of the television's lifespan twisting vertical hold knobs and horizontal hold knobs and rabbit ears.

If all else failed you might resort to putting your foot through the picture tube:

 

You know what it's like to buy a TV now?  Here are some of the specifications for the one I just ordered; I've highlighted the specs I understand:

Display Area: 42" (big)
Display Type: LCD
Contrast Ratio: 1000000:1
Dynamic Resolution: 1920 x 1080
Signal Compatibility: 1080p
Input Video Signal: ATSC QAM
NTSC Compatibility: VESA (200 mm X 400 mm)
Screen Refresh Rate: 240Hz
Condition: New (free of fingerprints or bad karma from previous owners)
Features: PC Input
Speakers: 2 (I have 2 ears so this makes sense to me)
Inputs: USB S-Video PC Composite HDMI In Component SD Memory Card Slot IR
Outputs: Analog Audio Digital Audio Out
HDMI Ports: 4
Height (inches): 26.2 (this tall)
Height with Stand (inches): 28.5 (a little bit taller)
Width (inches): 41.7 (this wide)
Depth (inches): 3.7 (this deep)
Depth with Stand (inches): 13 (a little deeper)
Unit Weight: 59.4 lbs. (too heavy for me to lift)

Now, before any of the men in the audience start micromanaging my choice to prove that I made the exact wrong decision, save your ire and allow me to describe my scientific, analytical method for choosing this television:

• Consult Consumer Reports to learn the four highest rated brands in the exact size the contractor told me I'd be able to see from anywhere in the house
• Consult Upromise to determine which registered retailers carry the selected brands and offer the largest rebate
• Narrow down choice to the single brand that's highly rated and sold by more than one Upromise retailer
• Choose the retailer with the lowest price and free shipping (yay Super Bowl season!)
• Buy
• Anticipate delivery and hope that Robespierre can install and connect the television with minimal assistance from me

What would have been your advice for choosing a new television?  Not that I'll listen, but feel free to tell me anyway.