FeeFiFoto Blog

My Mistake -- We Do Have Bananas

Really, Honey, no one will notice that the "bananas" hanging on the plant next to our driveway are fake.  You can barely see the strings.

I Shot An Elephant In My Pajamas

What an elephant was doing in my pajamas, I'll never know.

Image borrowed from Paula J. Becker, who has a really cute blog.

The point of this extremely lame joke is that I killed a fly with a spoon last week. 

Not that the fly had a spoon in its little fly hand.  Although it might have, for all I could tell, since fly hands are normally microscopic and my vision isn't too sharp, even with glasses.  And for that matter, it was a pretty big fly.  As flies go.  So it's possible that the bigger-than-normal fly did have a demitasse spoon in its hand with which it intended to stir cream and sugar into its iced coffee.

In any case, I saw no evidence of a spoon in the fly's hand as I picked up the spoon with which I swatted the fly.

The point?  The point is that when writing a letter to Cupcake at camp, I wrote "I killed a fly with a spoon last week."  And then I had to clarify my statement because the way it was written it appeared as if I might have killed a fly that was holding a spoon in its hand, which we have already established was not the case, and in any case would be most unlikely.

As I was telling this story to my sister (an instinctive grammarian, like me -- it runs in the family, like prominent noses and curly hair), we tried to dissect the sentence and figure out what was wrong with it and how to fix it. 

But we couldn't find anything grammatically amiss. 

"I killed a fly with a spoon" seemed to be completely proper, especially if the sentence were spoken rather than written.  If, in conversation, you say "I killed a fly with a spoon," your listener, while finding your choice of subject rather grotesque, should nevertheless understand the implication that you picked up a spoon in your hand and used the spoon to swat a fly, which fell down dead on the floor.

Yet, the written sentence begged to be restructured so as to make abundantly clear that the fly was killed with the spoon, not that the fly came equipped with its own fly-size spoon.

Can anyone explain this conundrum to me?  In a way that won't make my eyes roll back into my head and my knees to buckle, thus causing me to fall backwards on the floor, bash my skull and end up in bed for a week with hallucinations of flies stirring coffee in china cups using teeny tiny silver spoons?

Thanks.

Suspended For Inactivity

You know how department stores will call you if someone tries to use your credit card after it's been idle for a certain amount of time to make sure the Terminix man wasn't snooping through your desk drawers while ostensibly treating your house for weasels or carpenter ants?

You know how some gift cards expire if you don't use them before a certain date because the stores are counting on your forgetting the cards so they get to keep your money without having to surrender services or merchandise in exchange?

That reminds me -- I'd better schedule that pedicure soon...

Well, guess what?  BlogHer just sent me a plaintive note wondering where I've been and politely withdrawing my advertising until I post again.  But really, I have an excuse.  It might not be a good one but it's an excuse:

The bus was late.

No, that was yesterday.  Hold on...

The dog ate my blog.

No... no -- not that she wouldn't try, but she's actually been on good behavior lately, if you ignore the recently shredded purple Ugg*.

Bar Mitzvah. 

Yeah, that's the ticket.  This Bar Mitzvah has had me busier than a one-armed man trying to paddle a canoe in a straight line. I've been busier than a termite in a sawmill.  I've been busier than a one-armed man trying to pitch a tent in a wind storm.

Hellooo?  Anyone out there?  I know you're there -- I can hear you breathing.

And, as if the Bar Mitzvah weren't enough, I was in charge of Teacher and Staff Appreciation gifts for the month of May at Cupcake's school and I chose to give 77 people each two 750 ml bottles of Pellegrino  sparkling water, which adds up to 156 bottles in thirteen 30-pound cases of twelve; each bottle had a ribbon and a mushy note tied around its neck, which took a month to accomplish, and then I had to deliver the bottles around a school comprising six three-story buildings equipped with precisely zero elevators, which is why the next time I tackle Teacher Appreciation the gift will entail an unsharpened pencil or a handful of feathers for each teacher although why they'd want feathers I don't know but it's enough already with shlepping 390 pounds of water.

So anyway BlogHer: I'm reallyreally sorry I've been ignoring you but it's nothing personal and thanks for your kind note of suspension which I totally deserved and I promise that I'll be more reliable as soon as this Bar Mitzvah has been accomplished and the kids sent off to camp exactly a week later, and while I have your attention can you do something about getting William Shatner to host Saturday Night Live?  Thanks.

*Spell Check suggested egg or fuggy and I don't know what fuggy means but I think it might be my new favorite word.

For My Good Friend Jay:

Yes Jay -- some buildings do have 13^th floors.

 

Well, It's Not Exactly White House / Black Market

moar funny pictures

Did I Ever Tell You I Went To College In New Orleans?

 

Here's where I found this photo.  

Wow - Is It International Polar Bear Day Already? Peculiar February Holidays

Making personalized calendars even more personal with the addition of peculiar dates; here are some for February.

FeeFiFoto has been producing personalized photo calendars as a core part of our business since we were established about five years ago.  For a long time our designs and features were relatively unchanged, but last year we added a bunch of new templates, a thousand or so pieces of clip art, and the capacity to arrange photos in collages instead of being limited to a single photo per page.  We've always had a feature that lets you enter your own family birthdays, anniversaries or special events. 

Last year the kids and I designed calendars for our family, and in addition to the usual birthdays and anniversaries, we chose one day each month for a fictitious holiday just to see if anyone was paying attention.  January 16 was Talk Like Pirates Day, February 24 was Walk Backwards Day, March 1 was Talk Really Fast Day, August 17 was Snowball Fight Day, and November 2 was Kiss Your Mom Day.  We also acknowledged some legitimate holidays and anniversaries, like the Ides of March (March 15), Beethoven's Birthday (December 16) and the anniversary of Paul Revere's Ride (April 18).  It was fun and silly.

I can't imagine that the majority of customers who buy personalized photo calendars from FeeFiFoto have my family's twisted warped exotic highly developed sense of humor, but on the outside chance that at least someone out there appreciates a good absurdist* joke, I've compiled a list of some really weird, but apparently true, national and international holidays.

February

1

Serpent Day
Clark Gable, b. 1901

2

Purification Day
James Joyce, b. 1882

3

Carrot Cake Day
Cordova Ice Worm Day

I don't even want to know about this one

4

Rosa Parks, b. 1913
Thank A Mailman Day
Create A Vacuum Day

I've heard Dysons are really good

5

National Weatherman's Day
Disaster Day

Could these two be related?

6

Lame Duck Day
Aaron Burr, b. 1756
Babe Ruth, b. 1895

7

Charles Dickens Day 

8

Kite Flying Day

Shouldn't this be in April?

9

Toothache Day

Think I'll pass on this one

10

Umbrella Day 

11

White Tee-Shirt Day
Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk Day
Thomas Edison, b. 1847

12

National Plum Pudding Day 

13

Get A Different Name Day
Dream Your Sweet Day
Read To Your Child Day 

14

Ferris Wheel Day
National Heart to Heart Day 

15

National Gum Drop Day

But please, don't drop your gum on the sidewalk

16

Do A Grouch A Favor Day

But only if he asks nicely

17

Champion Crab Races Day

18

Pluto Day 
National Battery Day

Umm -- is there a National Assault Day?

19

National Chocolate Mint Day

You got my attention with this one

20

Hoodie Hoo Day

Woo hoo -- it's Hoodie Hoo Day!

21

Card Reading Day 

22

Be Humble Day

The rest of the year, be as conceited as you like

23

W.E.B. Dubois, b. 1868
Banana Bread Day
International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day

Miss Puppy likes this one

24

National Tortilla Chip Day 

25

Pistol Patent Day (Samuel Colt)

26

 

William Frawley, b. 1887
Buffalo Bill Cody, b. 1846
National Pistachio Day

I like pistachios better than pistols

27
Marian Anderson, b. 1897
International Polar Bear Day

I like polar bears

28

Public Sleeping Day

I like sleeping

29

National Surf and Turf Day

Do you commemorate Beethoven's Birthday?  And what is an "Ides" anyway?

Visit FeeFiFoto to design really personalized calendars with your own photos and dates.

*SpellCheck tried for Kurdistan

Courage – Do one brave thing today, then run like hell!

 

Courage – Do one brave thing today, then run like hell!

I'm sending this to Robespierre to remind him that, the next time he feels compelled to trash talk a wrestling practice partner, he'd better make darn sure he's stronger and/or faster than his opponent, so he doesn't come home again with a swollen jaw and an ice pack.

Peculiar January Dates: Want Some?

Make personalized calendars even more personal with the addition of peculiar dates; here are some for January.

FeeFiFoto has been producing personalized photo calendars as a core part of our business since we were established. For the 2007 Christmas season we added a bunch of new templates, a thousand or so pieces of clip art, and the capacity to arrange photos in collages instead of being limited to a single photo per page. We've always had a feature that lets you enter your own family birthdays, anniversaries or special events.

Last year the kids and I designed calendars for our family, and in addition to the usual birthdays and anniversaries, we chose one day each month for a fictitious holiday just to see if anyone was paying attention. January 16 was Talk Like Pirates Day, February 24 was Walk Backwards Day, March 1 was Talk Really Fast Day, August 17 was Snowball Fight Day, and November 2 was Kiss Your Mom Day. We also acknowledged some legitimate holidays and anniversaries, like the Ides of March (March 15), Beethoven's Birthday (December 16) and the anniversary of Paul Revere's Ride (April 18). It was fun and silly.

Here are some silly, and real (supposedly) holidays you can add to photo calendars.

January

1
First Foot Day
Z Day
Paul Revere, b. 1735
Betsy Ross, b. 1752

2
Run Up The Flagpole and See If Anyone Salutes Day

3
Festival of Sleep Day
J.R.R. Tolkien, b. 1892

4
Trivia Day
Humiliation Day
Louis Braille, b. 1809

5
National Bird Day
George Reeves, b. 1914

6
Bean Day
Cuddle Up Day
Joan of Arc, b. 1412

7
Old Rock Day
Millard Fillmore, b. 1800
Charles Addams, b. 1912

8
Bubble Bath Day
Butterfly McQueen, b. 1911
Soupy Sales, b. 1926
Elvis Presley, b. 1935

9
Play God Day
Richard Nixon, b. 1913
Bob Denver, b. 1935

10
Peculiar People Day
Grigori Rasputin, b. 1869
Ray Bolger, b. 1904

Yay!  We have our own day!

11
Step in a Puddle and Splash your Friends Day
Alexander Hamilton, b. 1755

12
National Pharmacist Day

13
Make Your Dream Come True Day
Blame Someone Else Day
International Skeptics Day

14
Dress Up Your Pet Day
Benedict Arnold, b. 1741

15
National Hat Day
Aristotle Onassis, b. 1906
Martin Luther King, b. 1929

16
National Nothing Day
Ethel Merman, b. 1908

Image from here

17
Ditch New Year's Resolutions Day
Benjamin Franklin, b. 1706
Anne Bronte, b. 1820
Al Capone, b. 1899
Eartha Kitt, b. 1927
Shari Lewis, b. 1934

18
Winnie The Pooh Day
Thesaurus Day
Oliver Hardy, b. 1892

19
Popcorn Day
Robert E. Lee, b. 1807
Edgar Allan Poe, b.1809
Janis Joplin, b. 1943

20
Buttercrunch Day
Penguin Awareness Day

21
Squirrel Appreciation Day
National Hugging Day
Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson, b. 1824

Personally I appreciate penguins more

22
National Answer Your Cat's Question Day
National Blonde Brownie Day

23
National Handwriting Day
National Pie Day
John Hancock, b. 1737

...but not Pi Day

24
Beer Appreciation Day
Compliment Day

25
Opposite Day
Robert Burns, b. 1759
Virginia Woolf, b. 1882

26
Spouse's Day
Paul Newman, b. 1925

27
Punch the Clock Day
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, b. 1756
Lewis Carroll (Charles Lutwidge Dodgson), b. 1832
Donna Reed, b. 1921

28
Rattlesnake Roundup
Fun At Work Day
Jackson Pollack, b. 1912

29
National Corn Chip
National Puzzle Day

Want a personalized photo puzzles?

30
National Escape
National Inane Answering Machine Message Day
Franklin D. Roosevelt, b. 1882

31
Backward Day

As opposed to Opposite Day, see above

Oh, and the last Monday of January is National Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day.

Hallelujah -- Something Completely Different For Christmas

Many many thanks to Omidog! for posting this spectacular piece. I made my day year.

Shake It

Thanks to my friend Jeff for leading me to this:

December Already? Add Strange Dates To Personalized Calendars Just To See If Anyone's Paying Attention

Make personalized calendars even more personal with the addition of peculiar dates; here are some for December.

FeeFiFoto has been producing personalized photo calendars as a core part of our business since we were established. For the 2007 Christmas season we added a bunch of new templates, a thousand or so pieces of clip art, and the capacity to arrange photos in collages instead of being limited to a single photo per page. We've always had a feature that lets you enter your own family birthdays, anniversaries or special events.

Last year the kids and I designed calendars for our family, and in addition to the usual birthdays and anniversaries, we chose one day each month for a fictitious holiday just to see if anyone was paying attention. January 16 was Talk Like Pirates Day, February 24 was Walk Backwards Day, March 1 was Talk Really Fast Day, August 17 was Snowball Fight Day, and November 2 was Kiss Your Mom Day. We also acknowledged some legitimate holidays and anniversaries, like the Ides of March (March 15), Beethoven's Birthday (December 16) and the anniversary of Paul Revere's Ride (April 18). It was fun and silly.

Here are some silly, and real (supposedly) holidays you can add to photo calendars.

December

1
Eat a Read Apple Day
National Pie Day
Mary Martin, b. 1913

I thought Pi Day was in March.

2
National Fritters Day
Charles Ringling, b. 1863
Georges Seurat, b. 1859

3
National Roof Over Your Head Day

4
Wear Brown Shoes Day
Francisco Franco, b. 1892

It's my understanding that Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead.

5
National Sacher Torte Day
George Armstrong Custer, b. 1839

6
Gazpacho Day
National Mitten Tree Day
Ira Gerswhin, b. 1896
Agnes Moorehead, b. 1906

7
Cotton Candy Day
Harry Chapin, b. 1942

8
Take It In The Ear Day
Mary Queen of Scots, b. 1542

9
National Pastry Day
Margaret Hamilton, b. 1902

We seem to have a witch theme in December...

10
Festival for the Souls of Dead Whales

11
National Noodle Ring Day
Fiorello LaGuardia, b. 1882

A bit odd of his parents to name him after an airport, don't you agree?

12
National Ding-A-Ling Day

13
Ice Cream Day
Violins Day

14
National Bouillabaisse Day
Nostradamus, b. 1503

Kind of witchy, no?

15
National Lemon Cupcake Day

16
National Chocolate Covered Anything Day
Ludwig van Beethoven, b. 1770

17
National Maple Syrup Day
Underdog Day

18
National Roast Suckling Pig Day

19
Oatmeal Muffin Day

20
Games Day
Harvey Firestone, b. 1868

21
Look at the Bright Side Day
National Flashlight Day
Hamburger Day
Frank Zappa, b. 1940

22
National Date-Nut Bread Day
Connie Mack, b. 1862

23
Roots Day

24
National Egg Nog Day
Ava Gardner, b. 1922

25
National Pumpkin Pie Day
Sir Isaac Newton, b. 1642
Conrad Hilton, b. 1887
Cab Calloway, b. 1907

26
National Whiners Day

27
National Fruitcake Day
Louis Pasteur, b. 1822

28
Card Playing Day
National Chocolate Day

29
Pepper Pot Day
Charles Goodyear, b. 1800

I prefer Michelins

30
National Bicarbonate of Soda Day
Festival of Enormous Changes at the Last Minute
Rudyard Kipling, b. 1865

31
Unlucky Day
Henri Matisse, b. 1869

Dog Is My Copilot

Great way to save time blow drying the dog's pouf

Mr. Bean Puts The Turkey On

Do you know Mr. Bean? Have you ever worn a turkey on your head?

__________________________________________________________________

In honor of Black Friday, Cyber Monday and, what the heck, Cyber Week, through December 5 Order Personalized Photo Ornaments from FeeFiFoto before midnight on December 5 and receive 20% off. Apply coupon code ORNAMENTS09 at checkout.

Offer Expires: December 5, 2009

Scaramouche, Scaramouche -- Will You Do The Fandango For Christmas

Congratulations. Now this song will be running through your head until at least December 26th. You're entirely welcome.

In honor of Black Friday, Cyber Monday and, what the heck, Cyber Week, through December 5 Order Personalized Photo Ornaments from FeeFiFoto before midnight on December 5 and receive 20% off. Apply coupon code ORNAMENTS09 at checkout.

Offer Expires: December 5, 2009

This Is The Surest Way To Get Coal In Your Stocking -- If Anything

Order Personalized Photo Calendars from FeeFiFoto before midnight on November 15 and receive FREE standard shipping to any single address in the Continental United States.  Apply coupon code CALFREESHIP09 at checkout.

Offer Expires: November 15, 2009

Stay tuned: after this offer expires you can get a discount on Personalized Photo Ornaments!

Christmas Lights: Why Reinvent The Wheel?

Here's to the spirit of Christmas fellowship and cooperation throughout the neighborhood:

Order Personalized Photo Calendars from FeeFiFoto before midnight on November 15 and receive FREE standard shipping to any single address in the Continental United States.  Apply coupon code CALFREESHIP09 at checkout.

Offer Expires: November 15, 2009

Stay tuned: after this offer expires you can get a discount on Personalized Photo Ornaments!

My Son Thinks He's Really Funny: Jib Jab Video

This is us. All of us. Even Little Miss, because Robey ran out of Us before he ran out of spaces for faces.

Guess who's who(m).

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

Who Says I'm Uncool: Surprising Your Kids By Knowing Something They Never Expected You To Know

ME: Oh, that's %57h*d#gf&5$, Jr. in that car

Robespierre: Who's he?

ME: He's Mrs. NextDoorNeighbor's brother.  He's also a DJ at K***, the oldies station.

Robespierre: I've never heard of him.

ME: Oh, you've probably heard him and just don't remember.  He also works the broadcasts of The World's Worst Football Team's games.

Robespierre: How do you know that?

ME: I don't know.  I just know.

Robespierre: You're scaring me.

Tickled

Cravings?  Why no, I've never heard of those.

For some reason I found this highly amusing.  You might too.  In fact, if you like you can go read it in its natural habitat, and hunt up all of its littermates.  Go ahead -- I won't be offended.  I don't blame you if you stay there a while.  But don't hold me responsible if Diet Dr. Pepper comes spraying out of your nose at some point.  Even if you're not drinking Diet Dr. Pepper.

In any case, enjoy.

"Hell Hath No Fury Like A Pregnant Woman Scorned

Candy Store | New Jersey, USA

(A man comes to my register with a mint chocolate candy bar.)

Me: “Anything else?”

Customer: “Can you break a $100 bill?”

Me: “Actually, I can’t. We just opened and I haven’t gone to the bank today.”

Customer: “Oh, no! Do you know anywhere I can get change? I need this candy right away!”

(At this point I notice his panicked look. Coupled with the fact that he’s buying the most unappetizing candy in the store, I jump to a conclusion.)

Me: “Sir, these aren’t for you, are they?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Did your pregnant wife send you out at 8 in the morning to buy this candy?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “For the love of God, man! Get these home to her before you’re in even more trouble! You can come back and pay me later!”

(The customer bolts out the door. He later came back, visibly calmer, and paid.)"

You've never done anything this ridiculous, have you?