FeeFiFoto Blog

Customer Service: How Not To

Remember those times I raved about surprisingly good customer service?  Well, this isn't one of them.

Robespierre and I wandered into an "antique" shop a couple of weeks ago.  I've never explored the place; I'm not sure how they stay in business since they're often inexplicably closed at peak hours.  It's crammed with scales, catalogs, magazines, boxes, bubble wrap and glass cases haphazardly stuffed with faux-vintage plastic and less-than-semi-precious-stone trinkets from the 70s and 80s, Hummel figurines (anyone else get the willies from those things?), and an oddly out of place autographed football from 2001.

In a vitrine crowded with unremarkable watches and pocket knives we noticed pince-nez*, a pair of those pinch-on-the-nose eyeglasses like Teddy Roosevelt wore.

::Seemingly inexplicable change of subject goes here::

It just so happens that my nephew, Sweet Talker, appeared last week in his school's production of Arsenic and Old Lace.  If you've never seen the film you ought to; it's slapstically, farcically wonderful.  Amazingly, Cary Grant, the Brad Pitt of his day, was an accomplished and uninhibited physical comedian.   He was also a model for James Bond.

My nephew was abundantly pompous as Teddy Brewster, a blustery nut who believes he's Teddy Roosevelt.  Teddy's delusions come in quite handy as his sweet, homicidal maiden aunts assure him that the graves he digs in the cellar of their home are nothing more than locks for the Panama Canal.  Teddy's definitely one of the best roles in the play and Sweet Talker OWNED that role.

Here's a clip from the movie showing Teddy in action:

 

::Seemingly inexplicable change of subject ties in to original subject here::

A few days before the play opened I remembered the pince-nez and thought it might be nice to pick them (it?) up for my nephew as a memento (yeah, I'm the one who sent my niece flowers when she learned to tie her shoes).  Someone at the restaurant next door was kind enough to look up the shop's name and phone number.

Now that's excellent customer service. 

Unfortunately our story's not yet finished.

The lady who answered the phone kept repeating that she was just filling in for the owner and she couldn't possibly help me.  No matter how I tried to charm her, beg her or reason with her, she simply would not tell me the price of the pince-nez or even look for them, even though I tried to explain precisely where they were located.

So Robespierre and I stopped by the shop to evaluate the pince-nez in person.

There she was (the lady, not the pince-nez), stationed in a chair in a cluttered corner, shoes off.

She wouldn't show me the glasses.  She wouldn't open the case.  She wouldn't get up off her chair.  She wouldn't even put on her shoes.

She was willing to call the owner to find out that he might return soon.

Sweet Talker got lots of hugs and praise for his performance, but no pince-nez.

I think that store must be a front for a speakeasy.

*By the way, I have nothing constructive, instructive or destructive to say about the apparent renaissance in pince-nez use, as evidenced by an actual and regularly updated blog called Pince-Nez Renaissance.  Draw your own conclusions.

Drab Color Selections For Spring 2011 Fashions

 Adobe,  Alloy,  Ash, Bone,  Dune,   Cappuccino, Caramel, Cement, Chalk, Champagne,  Cloudburst, Cotton Seed, Gesso, Harvest Oat, Hemp, Khaki, Mushroom, Nude, Nutmeg, Oatmeal, Pumice, Sand, Sesame, String, Stone, Taupe.

1. Thanks, Nordstrom* catalog, for a truly depressing Spring 2011 color palette.
2. "String?"  Seriously?  There's a color called "String?"  And "Gesso?"  I don't even know what that is.
3. I don't care what you call it -- it's all still beige and I'm not having it!

*Spellcheck offered Sandstorm, Windstorm, Snowstorm and Barnstorm, but oddly, no Brainstorm

 

Is It Any Wonder My Head Hurts?

I organize my life with a BlackBerry.  It does its job reasonably well, storing phone numbers, addresses, birthday reminders and dates.  It even maintains my shopping list.

I use a simple spreadsheet application called Grid Magic to keep track of everything I might need.

My list could have been truly alphabetized but it got too difficult to keep moving things up or down to make room for new items so now I keep my list in alphabetized "chunks."  Occasionally I temporarily add a new listing for a one-time purchase until I can manage to pick up zip ties, rope or a new microwave oven.

The spreadsheet on my BlackBerry is a handy tool to help me not forget anything crucial at the supermarket or superstore.

Unfortunately, occasionally the gremlins invade and tamper with my list.

Anyone know if supermarkets are carrying alpacas, llamas, ponies or gnus this spring?

A Modest Proposal For Limiting Our Plastic Bag Use

And no, it doesn't involve eating them.

It seems I can make major, life-altering decisions, but I can't decide if I want paper or plastic.

FUNNY STORY GOES HERE:
A friend's husband (bright guy but easily the village idiot when it came to anything besides the Chicago Bulls or the practice of law) once made a trip to a grocery store while his wife was in the hospital having a baby or something.  When the checker asked if he preferred paper or plastic he looked at her like she was mental and replied: "Cash."

I bring canvas bags to grocery stores so I don't get stuck with an armload of plastic bags to recycle (I'm not convinced those recycling people really recycle anyway) or to make clothing or housewares out of. 

If you think I'm holy, you can begin applauding now.

But when I buy a trunkload of stuff at one of those superstores I come home with bags I don't need or want, which I conscientiously store in a basket and then conscientiously tote to a recycling bin at the grocery store, conscientiously trying not to worry that the grocery stores not so conscientiously just throw everything in the dumpster after closing time.

I worry about what's going to become of all those unwanted plastic bags.  Will they be adopted and treasured, like Windy, their every flutter monitored and birthday cakes consumed in their honor?  Sadly, not likely.

Take a look at these stats from Reuseit.com:

• 500 billion to 1 trillion plastic bags are used every year, worldwide.
• A single plastic bag can take between 20 and 1000 years to degrade.
• More than 3.5 million tons of plastic bags, sacks and wraps were discarded in 2008.
• Plastic bags remain toxic even after they break down.
• Every square mile of ocean has about 46,000 pieces of plastic floating in it.
• The average family accumulates 60 plastic bags in only four trips to the grocery store.

Feeling tormented yet?

See also: EPA.GOV

Oh sure, you can make stuff from discarded plastic bags.  There's the purse:

And the belt:

I think we can all agree that these are Uncommon Goods.

Then there's these:

This is pretty but its usefulness is a bit limited:

By artist Laura Marsden

But making things out of discarded plastic bags isn't my bag.  I prefer knitting.  I want to bring home fewer plastic bags from the get go, so I don't have to find ways to dispose of them.

When I'm feeling sufficiently impulse-controlled not to buy 17 bags of sweat socks and a decade's supply of pizza bagels I shop at Sam's Club, where they load my stuff directly into a cart without bagging or boxing. Sam's seems to understand that if I'm buying a mattress-size bag of oranges, I don't need a bag to put my bag in -- it's already in a bag. 

You might say that Sam's gets me.

Sometimes if I'm feeling particularly virtuous and lucky, I'll ask a supermarket bagger not to bag bigger items.  I don't need a bag to carry a jug of laundry detergent or a gallon of white vinegar or a jumbo bag of frozen blueberries.  I have to sense a lucky streak to make this request, though, since it usually throws baggers into a tailspin: 

You don't want big stuff in bags? 

No, thanks, I can carry the big stuff without a bag. 

How about the soda? 

No, that's fine. 

What about the potatoes? 

No, they're already in a bag. 

The bag of charcoal?  The dog food?  This gigantic watermelon?  The five pounds of bird seed?

Nope, no bags.

With each perplexed challenge my ambition to be holy and noble withers and doesn't regenerate until, no less than a month later, I'll forget the pain of the experience as women forget the details of labor and my sister and I block out memories of family vacations gone wrong.

So I've been thinking.

• At the supermarket, they ask if I want paper or plastic.
• At most other stores they never ask; I just get plastic.
• At Sam's I get nothing, but I'm fine with that because most of the stuff I buy there is large or not fragile.
• Whenever I try to explain that I don't need bags for the large things, the bagger at the supermarket blows a gasket trying to wrap his habit-ridden brain around my outside-the-box (bag?) demand.

Remember when stores used only paper bags?  And then they added plastic bags and the baggers had to be trained (perhaps with electric collars) to inquire: "Paper or Plastic?"  And their heads didn't explode?

Why can't there be one more option at the checkout counter?  Why can't they ask me if I want, for instance, "full packing" or "partial packing"?  Why can't I tell them I want partial packing and have them already know that that means I don't want bags for the big stuff so I don't have to explain how it works every time I shop?

In college I developed a fondness for iced coffee.  When I moved back home I tried to order it in restaurants and usually had to teach servers how to make it.  Do you have coffee?  Do you have ice?  Do you have glasses?  Do you know how to make iced tea?  Well, iced coffee is just like that, only with coffee.  It's okay if the ice melts -- you can add more ice.  I promise I won't be mad.  More than once I received a mug of coffee garnished with floating ice cubes.  Eventually servers learned how to make iced coffee (I credit Starbucks) and I no longer had to draw diagrams on the tablecloth.

Why can't checkout baggers be trained to ask customers to follow up "Paper or Plastic" with "Full Packing or Partial Packing"?

I know!  Let's start a campaign.  Why not Stumble this post, or mention it on your own blog, or on your Facebook page or Twitter feed?  Why not forward it to news organizations?  Why not ask the bagger not to bag the big stuff the next time you shop?  We can make blog badges, bumper stickers, tee shirts with the slogan: "Ask for Partial Packing!"  If we all pull together we can teach them, yes we can!

Otherwise we might all be doomed to wearing hand-crocheted plastic bag sandals.

Favorites Of 2010

Recapping some of my favorite posts of 2010, because I'm not Allie Brosh* and no one else will do it for me

A List Of My Favorite Posts From 2010
Which Should Carry Exactly As Much Weight As
When The Waitress Confides Her Favorite Menu Items
But It's My Blog So If You Don't Like It Get Your Own Blog

In January, there was the time I bargained for that dress.  Remember when I bargained for the dress?  It's a cute dress.  In fact, I'm wearing it right now.  I'm a bit concerned that if I don't praise the dress while wearing it, it might rise up and throttle me as I doze with my face pressed into the keyboard and unintentionally type hgyhygggggggggggggg: In This Economy, Retailers Are Smart To Bargain.

In February, the car broke down due to an electrical malfunction which had absolutely nothing to do with my leaving the lights on, which I did because the warning dinger didn't ding because there was an electrical malfunction (see above): Is There Ever A Convenient Time For The Car To Break Down? (Hint: there isn't).

In March, the entire airport broke down, which again was not my fault and furthermore had nothing to do with electrical malfunctions or electricity of any kind.  Except maybe lightning: Weather Disruptions Worked In Lindsay Vonn's Favor...

In April, we touched on the colors of travel (hint: there's lots of blue): Blue Is The Color Of Heaven

In May, I had some advice for the varmint population in our yard on how to appear less blockheaded: Letters of Advice.

In June, Robespierre became a Bar Mitzvah.  I wrote a lot about the subject (you try throwing a Bar Mitzvah without raving even while sleeping); here is one of my favorite posts on the subject: Superhero Or Super Villain -- Choose Wisely.

In July, I Shot An Elephant In My Pajamas, which degenerated into an existential discussion of grammar. With this post I received one of my favorite comments of all time from Ivan Toblog: Written, your statement would have to say something like, "Don't use that spoon. I killed a fly with it."

In August, I did some reading: More Of What I've Been Reading Lately.

In September, some of us got stuck in the mud.  Fortunately, we got out and lived to tell the tale: Sorry We Weren't In Touch Last Weekend. We Were Swamped.

In October, I discussed why cell phones rock: Why I LOOOOVE My Cell Phone.

In November, I unveiled my FeeFiFoto Fundraising program: Need To Raise Money For Your Organization? Here's My Proposal.

In December, I remembered that I forgot to have the sprinklers turned off before the first freeze: My Mistake.

*Of Hyperbole and a Half.  Last year I compared myself to Dooce but I don't like Dooce and never have, so I'm happy to be able to compare myself (heh) to someone I admire instead.

Do you have a favorite 2010 post?  Of mine?

Shameless Commerce For Holiday Season

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Until November 30

Welcome to FeeFiFoto, your first stop for personalized gifts.

Maybe you're just beginning your holiday shopping; or perhaps you're one of those organized people the rest of us secretly envy, and you're nearly finished.

We can help you get started, or wind up your search for those last few special gifts.

Take a look at the many items we can create to make your holiday gift giving so much easier and more meaningful.

Visit FeeFiFoto to find personalized mugs, handbags, calendars, ornaments, jewelry, watches, apparel and dozens of gifts from the heart.

Turn your photos into unique memories and give the perfect gift every time.

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Special People and Events.

Major Melodrama Over Aptitude Testing

Who could have predicted how torturous it would be to get Cupcake aptitude tested? 

It wasn't  convenience, because our school district offers all kinds of testing and I was willing to take her out of school any time the testers were available, offering substantial bribage if it would get her on the schedule before the school year ended.

Besides, if I had to I could have used one of those test your IQ web sites simply by providing my email address and selling my cybersoul to companies flogging penny stocks and V!@6R@. 

And it wasn't cost, because the tests are "free", where free means I'd pay nothing to have her tested because I've been grudgingly valiantly paying property taxes since I first owned property, possibly even including the vegetable garden I labored over when I was 12. 

No, the friction originated with the little lady herself.  Just as Miss Puppy can sense when I'm calling her inside so I can lock her up and leave the house, Cupcake could tell that this, ahem -- special attention -- wasn't just for entertainment purposes.

Image borrowed from here.

The tantruming was unrelenting.  I heard:

• These tests give me a headache
• My head hurts
• I'm not taking any more tests
• None of my friends have to take tests
• I'm missing something fun at school (I never heard this one if she was missing gym class)
• Have I told you my head hurts?
• You're not taking me out of school
• I'm not changing schools
• I'm not taking special classes
• I have a HEADACHE

Couldn't she understand that I was doing this for her own good?  Didn't she know that this was hurting me more than it hurt her?  Didn't she appreciate that I'd walked to and from school every day in blazing heat, dragging my school supplies behind me through the snow on a rusty shovel while toting a five gallon water jug on my head?  Or something like that?

I used to love taking standardized tests when I was Cupcake's age.  I could have sat there with that number 2 pencil all day every day, filling in bubble after bubble.  I did really well on them too.  There was no studying, no preparation.  I just filled in those little bubbles hour after hour. 

Cupcake hated it.  Despised it.  Feared it.  She tiraded when the questions got too hard for her to answer -- the hard questions made her feel dumb.

I ignored the complaints, dragged her to the tests, and treated her to copious amounts of ice cream afterwards.

Is There Ever A Convenient Time For The Car To Break Down?

The car.  Is four years old.  It's been hit more than once ::coughsistercough::.  The windshield has two dings.  One headlight bulb was replaced a month ago and the other was replaced last week.  The seats and floor mats have endured the insults of snow, slush, salt, and Pepsi. 

The car is not a Porsche.

Someday, Porsche.  Someday you will be mine mine mine -- and no one under the age of 30 will be allowed inside.  Nor will pretzels, chips, granola, raisins, wet shoes, wet dogs, or wet beverages.  Someday, if it survives, the car will be passed on to a Boy Who Has Received His Driver's License.  That will be the day my license goes into the shredder, except for when I feel like taking my tomato-red Porsche out for a drive.

Until then, I'll take good care of this car.  Its gas tank will be filled.  It will receive the occasional wash.  The oil will be changed within 500 miles of the date or distance scribbled on the little Colorform in the windshield's upper left corner.

And I'll continue to schlep the jumper cables.

______________________________________________________________

Cupcake and I went to the supermarket Thursday after school and before choir practice, along with everyone in our metropolitan area since snow had been predicted within 500 miles of us sometime in the next decade and that's how we roll around here.  We picked up our Super Bowl supplies (go Saints!), Cupcake had a hot chocolate and a gelato (which canceled each other out and neither of which she offered to share with me), and we left the store with plenty of snackage and ample time to make it to her rehearsal.

At this point please imagine the screeching sound of a needle being drawn across a vinyl record.  Thank you.

The battery was as dead as a coffin-nail.

Triage!Triage!Triage!  Whom to call first?  Sister at work -- can't leave.  Brother-in-law?  Office too far away.  Father, playing chess at a friend's house -- not easily reachable.  Mother at home?  Probably available; almost certainly grumpy. Car dealership?  Roadside assistance?  Gas station on the next corner?  No guarantee that any of them can arrive in less than an hour. 

In accordance with the ancient law that Anything for a Grandchild, I handed the phone to Cupcake so she could call Mawmaw.    As predicted, Mawmaw skittered to the rescue so her little darling wouldn't miss choir practice, setting in motion the following tribute to Rube Goldberg:

• Car slams into the garage door that's opening way too slowly for a grandmother in a hurry...
• Causing the door to freeze in the limbo between closed and open...
• Necessitating a 50-point turn to get the car out of the adjoining garage door...
• Requiring a new garage door which has to be ordered and will be installed within a month.

Cupcake Punctuality Issue: under control.  Sort of.

Car Not Starting Issue: not so under control.

Call roadside assistance, step out of the car (cold!) to locate the 166,143.72 digit Vehicle Identification Number, count backwards to identify the last four digits for Mr. Automatic Voice Man; when that's not acceptable, step back out of the car (cold!) to identify the final eight digits.  Finally, when a Real Person picks up the line, step out of the car one more time (COLD!) to repeat the last four digits, then the last eight digits, then the entire VIN, at which point Mr. Real Boy announces that this car isn't on the list for Roadside Assistance but they'll send a truck anyway for the low, low one-time fee of $61.

I tell him to forget it.

So. Here I am in a parking lot full of cars, adjacent to a grocery store full of people stocking up on milk, eggs, bread, vegetable peelers, batteries, donuts, snow shovels, mangoes, socks, light ammunition, fake firewood, capers, matches, roadside flares and anything else one might need to survive a blizzard predicted to dump one whole inch of snow throughout the metropolitan area. If I can match up one of the cars to one of the people, preferably a young guy who likes to show off for women, I'll be in bidniz.

Do I stalk the supermarket in pursuit of a potential victim Good Deed Doer...

and follow him to his car, or choose my subject from among the people manning the various stores lining the parking lot?  Manicure place?  No.  Yoga studio?  Definitely not.  UPS store or athletic shoe store?  Either one a possibility.

Long Story Less Long

In the shoe store I sense a good omen: two male employees, no customers, because anyone who might normally be shopping for athletic shoes is at the grocery store stocking up on sardines and Jello in anticipation of the approaching one inch blizzard.

• The first guy declines to help me on the grounds that his car dealership told him not to use his car to jump anyone else's.
• I'm like Huh?
• The second guy, the younger one, offers to try.
• The car starts, the day is saved, and Cupcake calls Mawmaw to tell her we don't need her any more, just as she arrives in the supermarket parking lot.
• A new battery is installed in the car before the end of the day.

Meanwhile, I'll continue to carry the jumper cables.

In This Economy, Retailers Are Smart To Bargain

The dress was adorable -- the last of its kind and on sale for 50% off.

The ladies who work in this store must be screened for the excessive pushiness friendliness and hovering genes, not to mention Ethel Merman loudness and Fran Drescher shrillness.  Although it's a challenge, I visit this place occasionally because:

1. They have nice clothes
2. Sometimes their nice clothes are on sale
3. They have a store dog

On this particular day (unfortunately, the dog's day off) I tried on the pink and black tweed Dress That Harked Back to the Days When My Father Forbade Me To Wear Miniskirts, ignored Ethel Drescher's stentorian declaration that my legs were perfect for such a short dress, and contemplated spending 50% off the original price of $XXX,XXX,XXX⁰⁰ (more or less), when

BANG!

I discovered a second price tag showing that the manufacturer believed this dress should cost $100 less than the Little Shop of Shrillness was asking.

This led me to the following questions:

1. How much charm will it take to persuade Fran Merman to honor the 50% off sale on the lower price?
2. How in G-d's name did this dress hang on a rack for months with nobody noticing its dueling price tags?
3. Wouldn't it be easier for Nancy Pelosi to remain standing rather than bouncing up and down as if fire ants were in her lap?
4. If Ethel-Fran offered to sell me the dress at 50% off the lower original price, should I take it just for the thrill of bargaining?

Here's the answer:

Fran-Ethel's momma didn't raise no fool.  And neither did mine.

Have you ever bargained in a retail store?

Just One More Piece Of Technology For Me To Learn How To Turn On and Off

I finally joined the 21^st century.

Hold on.

Okay, I finally joined the 20^th century.

I bought a flat screen TV.

My kids watch TV.  I don't.  Not that I wouldn't like to.  I used to.  But there used to be stuff to watch and I used to not have kids in front of whom I'd be embarrassed to watch some of the stuff I watched when I used to watch.  Now, although I relish a touch of Schadenfreude (spelling bee word!) as much as the next guy, I feel as if I might burn in hell if I watch parents of sextuplets, or Guidos, or LA tarts, or low ranking celebrities make fools of themselves.  Therefore, to set a good example, and because everything on television stinks, and because I fear burning in hell, I don't watch TV.

Except for the occasional rerun of Monty Python and the Holy Grail or Saturday Night Live.

So why did I buy a flat screen TV? 

Because it will make me cool.  Because it will make my kids cool.  Because we just finished a renovation and the 22" tv-in-a-box that's been hanging on the wall for the past 12 years looks dorky.  Because the Super Bowl is imminent, and apparently the best time to buy televisions is right before the Super Bowl because the Super Bowl's a guy thing and TVs are a guy thing so there you go.

Do you know how hard it is to buy a television?  You used to go to a furniture store and pick up a TV, plug it in at home, set up the TV trays and then spend the rest of the television's lifespan twisting vertical hold knobs and horizontal hold knobs and rabbit ears.

If all else failed you might resort to putting your foot through the picture tube:

 

You know what it's like to buy a TV now?  Here are some of the specifications for the one I just ordered; I've highlighted the specs I understand:

Display Area: 42" (big)
Display Type: LCD
Contrast Ratio: 1000000:1
Dynamic Resolution: 1920 x 1080
Signal Compatibility: 1080p
Input Video Signal: ATSC QAM
NTSC Compatibility: VESA (200 mm X 400 mm)
Screen Refresh Rate: 240Hz
Condition: New (free of fingerprints or bad karma from previous owners)
Features: PC Input
Speakers: 2 (I have 2 ears so this makes sense to me)
Inputs: USB S-Video PC Composite HDMI In Component SD Memory Card Slot IR
Outputs: Analog Audio Digital Audio Out
HDMI Ports: 4
Height (inches): 26.2 (this tall)
Height with Stand (inches): 28.5 (a little bit taller)
Width (inches): 41.7 (this wide)
Depth (inches): 3.7 (this deep)
Depth with Stand (inches): 13 (a little deeper)
Unit Weight: 59.4 lbs. (too heavy for me to lift)

Now, before any of the men in the audience start micromanaging my choice to prove that I made the exact wrong decision, save your ire and allow me to describe my scientific, analytical method for choosing this television:

• Consult Consumer Reports to learn the four highest rated brands in the exact size the contractor told me I'd be able to see from anywhere in the house
• Consult Upromise to determine which registered retailers carry the selected brands and offer the largest rebate
• Narrow down choice to the single brand that's highly rated and sold by more than one Upromise retailer
• Choose the retailer with the lowest price and free shipping (yay Super Bowl season!)
• Buy
• Anticipate delivery and hope that Robespierre can install and connect the television with minimal assistance from me

What would have been your advice for choosing a new television?  Not that I'll listen, but feel free to tell me anyway.

Will There Be Anything Left To Put In It After Paying For It?

Extravagant handbags

Really Burberry?  Seriously Neiman Marcus?  Do I really need a handbag trimmed with barbed wire?  For $1695, and no, that's not $16.95 but $1695.00.

I guess if I'm willing and able to spend nearly $1700 on a handbag I can spring for a few extra bucks here and there on cashmere sweater reweaving, leather coat reconditioning, and silk blouse patching, huh?

For gifts that are just as memorable and way less dangerous, visit FeeFiFoto and put favorite photos on microfiber totes, handbags or diaper bags.

Definitely Not A Bull's Eye: Target Let Me Down

Yoohoooo...  Target?  Hellooooo -- anybody home?  Are you paying attention?  Because it appears that you're not.

See, I visited one of your stores today to buy a whole bunch of stuff, including a gift card for a Bar Mitzvah, but all they had was this:

Or this:

 

Or this:

Or this:

 Images here, here, here, here, and here

Now, you tell me, Target, which of the above images would be suitable as a gift for a Bar or Bat Mitzvah, or a new baby, new home, birthday, or congratulations?

I'm waiting.

Still waiting.

_____________________________________________________

I ended up here:

 

Shame on you, Target.

Online Shopping -- Isn't It Great? Discuss.

So, I was, like, browsing the Internet?  Because that's what I do, like, most of the day?  And I saw this, like, umm, sweater?  That looked really cool?  And I'm all This Stuff Is, Like, Really Cool?  So I like clicked over to the site?  On Etsy?  And this lady had all these really awesome, like, tops and sweaters and leggings and stuff and whatever?  And some of them were made of, like cotton and bamboo and whatever?

Oy.  I'm giving myself a headache.

The seller's name is Sandmaiden.  She makes and custom dyes most of her items.  Here are some of her things:

This one is 100% organic cotton lightweight thermal rib knit.

This is the one that first caught my eye.  It's also 100% organic cotton lightweight thermal rib knit.

Photo courtesy of The Cupcake.

And here's the one I bought.  It's made from a lightweight, soft jersey made of bamboo and organic cotton.  I received it less than two weeks after ordering it.  I wore it today.  I love it.  I might wear it again tomorrow.

I'm writing about Sandmaiden for a few reasons:

1. The top is soft, comfortable and well-made, and the color looks really good with my eyes.
2. I won't see myself coming and going when I wear it.
3. Amanda, the owner, has promised me that if I blog about her she'll send me an entire wardrobe of her designs.

Not really.  I made that last part up.  I'm just so delighted with this tunic that I had to show it off, and maybe I can send Amanda some well-deserved business.  Here's the link to Sandmaiden.

Will Obama's Stimulus Package Boost The Fashion Industry?

The title of the Spring 2009 New York Times Style Magazine is "A Stimulus Package," as in "Please please please spend some or all of your stimulus money on fashions.  Please?  Pretty please?  Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease?"

As a recovering shopaholic (I know, I can't believe it either) in a, shall we say, precarious economy, I feel limited ambition to buy anything, especially the Gainfranco Ferre PVC platform (thanks Imelda):

or the Dior Fertility Fetish heels (thanks Shoebuy):

I used to dress (and shop) as if I were designing a costume, with belts, button covers, hair bows, scarves, jewelry, and even (eek) hats. 

Image from Finishing Tuxes

Some of it was in style, so I feel I should be pardoned for the acid washed denim and the shoulder pads with their own area code.  On the other hand, some of it was just plain peculiar.  Why I thought wearing a stickpin topped by a little puff of mink was a good idea, I'll never fully understand; I prefer to try to forget it ever happened. 

Thanks Cathy's Cubby, for use of the image.

Eventually I grew up and realized that most of the foofy stuff I thought was all that was really more oh-please-not-all-that-again!

So I cut down on my shopping considerably, and once the kids came around it was way more funner to shop for them than for me, so I cut down on my shopping way more.

I know the people at Mrs. O are trying to convince themselves and everyone else that Michelle Obama will breathe new life into the American fashion industry, but I'm not hopeful about that.  I hesitate to believe that what's foremost in Americans' minds is the health of the clothing industry.

The Oscars are tonight.  Does anyone really think that whatever the actresses wear tonight will inspire viewers to dash to the stores tomorrow?

Wordless Wednesday: Come On Amazon -- Srsly? Excessive Packaging

All this box for one trade paperback?

Thursday Thirteen: Things To Remember When Shopping Online

Ways to make online shopping less stressful

In case you've blocked it from your memory, we just emerged from a heavy shopping season (Christmas, remember?) and as a relatively new retailer I noticed patterns in some of the ways customers get themselves into trouble.  Here is a list of things to remember to make your online shopping experience more satisfying.

1.    Consider shipping parameters.  This is a big one, especially when you get close to your deadline.  If you absolutely positively must have it before Christmas, or Valentine's Day, or Mother's Day, or a birthday, don't put blind faith in any LMNOP shipper because even though they won't admit it, they're all at the mercy of weather, traffic and any number of other possible interferences.  If there's any question in your mind about whether your package will show up on time, opt for expedited shipping.

2.    Check rules for returns.  Internet shopping is incredibly convenient, but there's not always as much leeway as you might think.  If you're buying from a small seller or on eBay, chances are your ability to return your purchase will be limited.  If you're buying something pseudo-perishable like electronics or seasonal items, you may be subject to restocking fees or strict time limitations.  I bought my brother-in-law a camera from 42nd Street Photo, a huge company, and ended up unable to exchange it because their time limit had passed by the time I'd given it to him.

3.    Check your work.  If you're personalizing something, proofread your lettering or have someone proofread for you.  This seems to be a running theme for me.  Some customers place orders using misspelled names or the wrong year, and then insist I intervene and fix their mistakes.  As I used to tell my clients when I had a business writing resumes, put your work down (save it first!) for at least a few minutes, and then check it one more time, reading from bottom to top and right to left so it doesn't make any sense; you're more likely to catch mistakes this way because you're looking at individual words instead of scanning phrases or sentences.

4.    Bookmark the site you're using so you can find it the next time you need it. Naturally, this would be to my benefit, but it will help you in the long run too.  If you visited FeeFiFoto last year to design gift calendars but you can't remember the name, having it bookmarked means you won't have to enter all your photos, preferences and information from scratch.

Itty Bitty Living Space ^^

5.    Read and believe instructions.   We put photos on porcelain Christmas ornaments.  You upload your picture, view a mockup of the ornament, move or crop the photo, enter a caption, and place your order.  The space where the photo goes is less than three inches wide on any type of ornament.  My product descriptions warn of the size limitations; so do the FAQs.  Yet some customers persist in attempting to fit a full panoramic photo of their visit to the Grand Canyon, or a group portrait of a family of twelve, and then complain that the photo is too small or the caption is encroaching on someone's hair.

Which leads me to my next point:

6.   Don't get cute.  Ask questions before buying.  I've had more than one customer call after they've already placed the order to inquire casually if something they tried to do on their order will work.  That's the same as throwing away someone's lunch and then asking: "Were you finished with that?"  Funny in sitcoms -- in real life, not so much.  A customer created a caption in her word processor using her own exotic font, and then copied and pasted it into the caption space in our product design wizard.  When our system defaulted to a generic font because she hadn't chosen from our prescribed list, and showed it on her mockup, she ordered the object anyway and then complained that it didn't come out the way she wanted it.

Clear As Mud? ^

7.    Read FAQs and product descriptions.  Granted, understanding some sites' FAQs can be as challenging as reading Faulkner.  In Russian.  Printed on a postage stamp.  Still, in case of any questions or doubts, check FAQs before giving up or winging it.  I've spent many hours revamping my site's FAQs to cover every situation I can think of that has come up or might come up in the future.

8.    Follow rules.  It's surprising how many customers will place an order in the hopes that what they read on my site is wrong.  The simplest example is when a customer needs a gift by a specific time, and ignores my clear warning to allow a minimum of three business days for manufacturing before the item is even shipped.  If you read it on my site, believe it.

9.   This space intentionally left blank.  Because I needed thirteen things.

10.    Be reasonable.  Is it really necessary to have exactly 11.75 point type on your item?

11.    Be prepared to accept consequences.  If instructions say that personalized items are not returnable except due to a manufacturing flaw, don't call me and insist that I allow a return anyway.

12.    Know and use a really good tailor.  Okay, this has almost nothing to do with online shopping but it's still really good advice.  If you find some astonishingly lustworthy bargain on Bluefly.com but it needs a little alteration, you'll be good to go.

13.    Be friendly and patient -- the seller is not your enemy.  It's one thing to scream bloody murder at Sprint for having horrible customer service and making it virtually impossible to reach a real person in less time than it takes to bake a potato in a toaster oven.  It's another thing to excoriate a small business owner who's doing the best she can.  If you have a problem, give me a chance to fix it before condemning me to life in perdition.

What have you learned about shopping online?

Visit FeeFiFoto for personalized photo shopping totes.

He Was Cute At First, But Before Too Long He Got Kind Of Annoying

Slacker Mommy laments pressure to possess the latest whatever:

"Snuggle-Kins Musical Moves Stroller is now in stock at Fisher-Price for the low price of $20 and $5.95 shipping!

One of last year's hot toys was this. It could be bought for nearly double the price on Ebay and now this year my Target couldn't seem to sell the one they had on their shelf until a week ago.

I find this whole auction phenomena quite intriguing. Fisher Price has a Snuggle-Kins Musical Stroller that is sold out everywhere but parents/grandparents are paying as much as $120 for this $20 stroller on Ebay. You heard me right. A $20 stroller that will probably fall apart before the credit card bill arrives. So who really wants this stroller? The parents or the toddler?"

I remember people standing in line and breaking bones over Cabbage Patch dolls and pink Power Rangers.  I even remember Wayne Walker.  My mother, Schpilkes, would have pummeled old ladies and Sunday School teachers to get her hands on the newest Beanie Babies, ostensibly for her precious grandchildren.  She still keeps her stash in a drawer, which the kids may look at and carefully arrange, but not otherwise touch, play with, sneeze on or for that matter think about, without her permission. 

I never participated in most of the looniness, not due to an elevated Scrooginess quotient, but primarily because the timing wasn't right -- I just didn't have access to appropriately aged children. 

About ten years ago, however, I worked with a resume client who marketed toys and games.  This guy really knew his stuff; in fact his father and uncle had been the founders of an extremely well-known toy company, so it was in his blood.  At the time my niece and two nephews were quite young; the baby was less than a year old.  I asked my client if he could recommend something for the third child of a family that had almost everything, and he told me about a toy that he thought was cute, called Tickle Me Elmo.

You can see where this is heading, can't you?

I found two TMEs tipped over on a high shelf at Target.  I bought one and put it away for then-toddler-nephew's birthday in November, 1996.

Then Rosie O'Donnell played with a Tickle Me Elmo on her show, and gave one to every audience member.  The rest was history. 

Had I bought  both Elmos that day I probably could have paid for a full year's college tuition for then-toddler-nephew.  Guess I should have taken my client's recommendation a bit more seriously.

Amazing Gift Idea

Guess what this picture shows:

You'll never guess unless you've seen this before; I had no idea. 

It's an invisible shelf from a store in St. Louis called UMA.  I think I have to get my hands on a couple of these.  They're a little too big to fit inside a stocking, but the idea is completely irresistible.  I have so many objects on display in my house, especially now with all the sample porcelain plates from FeeFiFoto, and this would be an awesome way to show them off.

Remember, I'm doing another Slip-And-Fall Story Giveaway. This time, in honor of the season, tell me your favorite Christmas, Hanukkah or Other Winter Holiday Slip-And-Fall story, and win a personalized photo mouse pad from FeeFiFoto.  And, as long as I've got one running, I think I'll run the other simultaneously: same Fame contest, same rules.  Both contests will end on December 15th at midnight.  Good luck!

Avoiding Lines By Going Online

Laura Spencer at Work From Home Momma has answered one of our burning questions so we don't have to look any futher:

"...Online shopping  has been around for many years....But, what is Cyber Monday? When is Cyber Monday?

According to the Wikipedia, Cyber Monday is the Monday after Black Friday when many online retailers run special deals. The term was invented in 2005 by shop.org, which has set up an entire Cyber Monday site....

...

In a way, Cyber Monday is like part two of Black Friday, but without the crowds.

In fact, many people prefer online shopping to the physical challenge posed by crowded retail centers. With gas prices climbing ever higher, it's cheaper to simply walk to your computer and pull out the keyboard than it is to drive to the nearest mall...."

When I was in college I'd come home for Thanksgiving and hit the malls.  I'd shop all day, every day, until it was time to go back to school.  I remember hearing traffic helicopters reporting on the radio about parking lot conditions at different shopping centers.  Amazing.  It was amazing how chaotic the stores and malls were, and it was amazing that it didn't appear to affect me.  I parked my car at the farthest reaches of the lot.  I shlepped bags and made repeated trips to the car to unload.  I waited in line for coat check, for assistance, for lunch.

But then I grew up, and discovered that there were more important things to do than waiting in interminable lines to be shoved by other shoppers and treated dismissively by temporary holiday season employees.  This insight really hit home the year my niece turned ten, when I thought it would be really cool to give her ten small gifts instead of one large one, so I cruised the malls for two days looking for nail polish, notepads, socks, a calendar, and a bunch of other things.  Easy, you say?  Try doing that in December, eight and a half months pregnant, nauseated twenty hours a day.  Not such a pretty picture now, is it?

That year I recognized that maybe hitting the malls during the holidays was not my destiny, and began gift shopping almost exclusively online.

What a relief.

My car stays parked in my garage.  Lunch comes from my refrigerator, whenever I want.  I carry packages into the house once they've been delivered.  I can find anything I need, comparison shopping without having even to pick up the phone.  The computer's always (okay, mostly) friendly, never cranky, or short-tempered or rude.

More and more people are covering their holiday shopping online, and if you're reading this, you're probably one of them.

I suppose if I really want to see Christmas cheer I can hang out with the Yule Log video.

Just In Time For Christmas: A Personalized Photo Ornament From FeeFiFoto, Free

It's Casual Friday, which means that we can wear khakis to work.  Those of us who already wear khakis to work can wear jeans.  Those of us who already wear jeans can wear sweats.  Those of us who already wear sweats can wear our jammies.  But those of us who already wear jammies to work have to wear coats, ties, stockings and heels, all at once.

Once you've determined your position in this hierarchy, stroll casually over to Casual Keystrokes to read about their latest giveaway: a personalized porcelain photo Christmas ornament from FeeFiFoto:

"This week’s sponsor, FeeFiFoto, is giving away a gorgeous Personalized Photo Snowflake Ornament to one lucky winner!  The delicate white snowflake ornament is made of excellent quality porcelain. Ornament is approximately 4″ wide.

It’s simple to create your own one of a kind ornament with FeeFiFoto. Simply upload your favorite photo to FeeFiFoto and see your design in progress as you crop or move you photo. You can even add a caption.

The lucky winner of today’s giveaway will get to create a one of a kind Personalized Photo Snowflake Ornament.

Entering to win is easy. Leave a comment on this post no later than midnight Sunday, November 11 and a winner will be randomly selected on Monday."

So get a move on, before someone beats you to it!