FeeFiFoto Blog

March 1 Is...

National Pig Day and Peanut Butter Lover's Day.

I have nothing relevant to say about pigs or peanut butter.  So, I'm going to wing it.

Anne Hathaway is stunning, funny and talented.

James Franco has four master's degrees and is working on a PhD in English.

Using a hologram of Bob Hope to announce awards for special effects was downright creepy.

Inviting Kirk Douglas, a stroke survivor, to present an award was brilliant.

Jennifer Hudson is glorious.

What is Helena Bonham Carter thinking when she looks in her closet?  As a corollary, does she even own a mirror?

Why aren't Academy Award commercials as great as Super Bowl commercials?  Except for the Fancy Feast ad with the white kitten.

Natalie Portman attended Harvard.

 

Things I Don't

1. I don't follow reality television unless you count sporting events.
2. I don't know anything (hardly) about Twilight, although I did immediately recognize Robert Pattinson as Cedric Diggory, which shows where my loyalties reside.
3. I don't eat white chocolate because it's fake and eating it would imply disloyalty to the chocolate gods.
4. I don't watch movies in the dark except at movie theaters.
5. I don't pay for good grades, although I expect them.
6. I don't go to bed without flossing my teeth.
7. I don't let my daughter do pushups* in gym class because of the risk of nosebleeds.
8. I don't gamble.  If I'm going to be dumping a few hundred dollars I want to walk away with a really nice pair of shoes.
9. I don't eat fast food.
10. I don't read anything written by Stephen King.
11. I don't idolize Oprah.  Or any of her minions.
12. I don't (usually) kill spiders in the house if I can manage to get them back outside.
13. I don't sneeze quietly.  Or in a ladylike manner.  You should hear me sneeze when I'm alone in the car.
14. I don't acknowledge the existence of USA Today.
15. I don't wear tee shirts with words or pictures on them for anything other than sleeping, exercising or working in the yard.
16. I don't want any type of reptile or amphibian as a pet.
17. I don't play cards.
18. I don't navigate hotels rooms or locker rooms without shoes.
19. I don't play video games.
20. I don't trust Spellcheck.
21. I don't curl my eyelashes.
22. I don't wear anything sleeveless in the winter.
23. I don't wear anything strapless, ever.
24. I don't follow recipes religiously.
25. I don't scrapbook.
26. I don't care how talented he is; I still don't trust Michael Vick.
27. I don't subscribe to partial RSS feeds.
28. I don't fold down the pages of books to mark my place.
29. I don't touch type although I do type very quickly.  And forcefully, I might add.  My B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, O, M, N, R, S, and T keys are so worn that I can't see the letters that used to be printed on them.  Good thing I know where they are since I'm such a skilled touch-typist.  Uh oh.
30. I don't wear yellow.  Or beige.  Or orange.

*Spell Check asked for pushpins or pinups.

 

Why I LOOOOVE My Cell Phone

 

I love my cell phone. 

Let me say that again, with feeling: I LOOO-OOO-OOOO-VVVVVE my cell phone. 

Actually, I love cell phones in general.  I don't mind people talking on their phones in less than appropriate places (except in movie theaters.  Really, people -- shut up in movie theaters.  And by the way -- you're chewing your popcorn too loud too.  Stop it.  Seriously.).  I get a giggle considering what some regard as appropriate conversation for public places; maybe they're pretending to be in an imaginary telephone booth with intrinsic privacy from everyone except lip readers.  I especially enjoy watching husbands (I assume) calling their wives (I assume) from supermarkets to determine exactly what brand of raisins to bring home.  I don't find strangers' private phone conversations in a doctor's waiting room any more annoying than their face to face conversations; both intrude equally on my peace and solitude, so why resent one more than the other?  Sometimes other people's cell phone conversations provide me with free entertainment, as long as they don't notice that I've been on the same page in People magazine (which I'm holding upside-down) for the past twenty minutes, by which time some people of average intelligence can make it through the entire magazine.

What I really loooo-ooo-oooo-vvvvve about my cell phone is that it makes keeping in touch with my people so much easier.  My kids and I, their schools, my entire family, and most of my friends, are so much easier to pin down.  There's no more skulking through the aisles of a department store or supermarket yelling "Mom?" or "ROBESPIERRE?!" or "Cupcake?"

The sense of security I gain from knowing I can make contact with family or companions is not to be underestimated.  As a child with a deficit in the paying-attention department, I tended to wander off and get misplaced frequently in supermarkets, amusement parks and department stores.  Once my mother found me hunched under a rack of windbreakers intently shredding price tags, but generally I'd more or less panic upon discovering I was lost AGAIN.  Losing track of my kids was no better.  As soon as I noticed one of them was missing I began contemplating what it would be like to spend the rest of my life as the mother of only one child (sorry -- that's a bit melodramatic and macabre).

Robey and I were in New York this weekend, on a belated 13th birthday trip for him:

• We were walking south on Broadway toward my niece's neighborhood while she was on a brief visit to outer space wandering around Astor Place trying to find us after our matinee of Blue Man Group had ended.  She called me; I called her; we met in the middle.
• Then there was the time Robey left his phone in Upchuck Gluck's car (Hi Upchuck!) and we called from the cab and asked him to follow us to our hotel, making the cab ride redundant since if we'd anticipated having to ask Upchuck to make it all the way to our hotel he could have driven us there himself; nevertheless we got Robey's phone back.
• Then there was the time we tried to call Cupcake from the top of the Empire State Building at 10:30 pm (did you know it's open until 2:30 am?  Neither did I.) but we couldn't get a signal, so that wasn't so good, but we tried.
• Then there was the time we were about to miss our flight home and Robey was in the bathroom so I tried to call him to tell him to hurry up but he had the phone turned off so that doesn't prove my point at all so never mind.
• Then there was this one time at band camp... Umm.  Yeah.
• After our plane landed I called my father to establish where to meet him and Cupcake without their having to park the car and come inside looking for us. 
• My sister and I can text each other at the dinner table if we have to let off steam about other people's inappropriate remarks.  Not that we ever do that, but we could if we wanted to.

I find it a bit baffling that people complain about the ubiquity and annoyance of cell phones.  Mine is a guardian angel.  What's not to appreciate?

How do you feel about cell phones?

Things I Always

I was looking for a quick fix because of writer's block exploring old posts and came across this one.

1.    I always bring popcorn and drinks when I take Robey and Cupcake to the movies.  I carry it in a large black tote bag.  We've only been caught once, when an actual grownup was taking tickets.  He made us leave our stash in the car.

2.    I always remember the anniversary of Paul Revere's ride, Beethoven's birthday, Bastille Day, and Bill Clinton's birthday (the last because one of my dogs was born on the same date).

3.    I always used to go shopping on Black Friday, back when I had time, energy and ambition but not much sense.

4.    I always kiss my kids good night before I go to bed and tuck the blankets around them.  It's the perfect time to steal kisses without being yelled at.

5.    I always forget people's names.  I wish everyone had a Times Square-style zipper running across their forehead that would spell out : "Here's who I am and here's how you know me..."  I usually don't even bother to listen when new acquaintances introduce themselves, since I know the inevitability of misplacing the names as soon as I hear them.

        Maybe that's part of my problem.

6.    I always read the comics first.

7.    I always stay up too late.

8.   I always feel cold in the winter.  Even pregnant, I was never hot.  Funny story: I didn't go much of anywhere when I was pregnant on account of I felt like I was going to lose it approximately 14 hours of every day, which I usually did, so I stayed close to home.  But in December of 2000, about a month before Cleo was born, I went out to a place that was nice enough to require that I wear real clothes that matched.  I slipped on the dressy winter coat I hadn't worn all season and attempted to button it, but it wouldn't close.  "%?&#@!" I thought, "the $#%& thing shrunk," before remembering that I was eight months pregnant.

        True story.

9.    I always construct a pillow fortress before going to sleep, with specific pillows propping up my neck, back and legs.  It's a strenuous activity, which probably explains why I'm usually wide awake after getting in bed.

10.  I always thought Mrs. Robinson was "sitting on a snowplow on a Sunday afternoon..."  Really it was a sofa, but snowplow always seemed to fit, at least rhythmically.

        Bet that song is running through your brain right now, isn't it?  You're welcome.

11.    I always clip articles that I think might interest my friends or family and pop them in the mail.

12.    I always wait until I've finished eating to drink anything.  The bill has been paid, everyone's putting on coats and picking up purses, and I'm slamming down a full glass of iced tea in one continuous gulp.

13.    I always find the dumbest St. Patrick's Day card out there and send it to my sister, who thinks St. Patrick's Day is the dumbest day of the year.

14.    I always tend to blurt first and ask questions (or more accurately, offer apologies) later.

15.    I always tip generously, unless service has been abysmal, since I know women as a group tend to have the reputation of being stingy tippers.

Do you always?  What do you always?

A Sheepish Open Letter To Bossy

Bossy's on the move again.  She's leaving today for the commencement of her (No) Book Tour and, since I missed her visit last time because it fell on the first night of Passover and besides I'm way too shy and awkward to hang out with perfectly fine strangers in a perfectly fine restaurant for one perfectly fine night and have a perfectly fine time --

I had a point here... what was it...?

Oh yes.

This time around I offered Bossy a place to stay for the night when she visits my city.  And she accepted!  I think.

But here's the thing:

Bossy, I am the boringest, yawningest person from the dullest, tediousest family on the planet (except we yell sometimes, but who doesn't), so if you have gotten a better, more interesting, more appealing, funner offer from someone in my area, please don't think my feelings will be hurt if you accept it.  I'd absolutely love to meet you so count me in for dinner although I'll probably freak out from self consciousness and stay in my car and turn around and spend the evening at Target instead of hanging out with you and all the other cool bloggers in town.

Bossy, if you'd like to stay with us, we'd be delighted to have you as our guest.  You can have your own room and your own bathroom and your own shower.  My son will barbecue every meal for you, even your breakfast oatmeal, should you desire.  Nevertheless, I can't promise we won't bore you to tears.

Consider yourself warned.

Fun With Movie Cliches

Thanks to encouragement from Roger Ebert, I frequently blight my own movie-watching experience by tabulating movie cliches.  For example, take the Seeing-Eye Man:

"Function performed by most men in Hollywood feature films.  Involves a series of shots in which (1) the man sees something, (2) he points it out to the woman, (3) she then sees it too, often nodding in agreement, gratitude, amusement, or relief." 

Or the Hot Justice Syndrome:

"All trials that are held south of the Mason-Dixon line take place during the summer in a non-air-conditioned courtroom filled with people airing themselves with fans from a funeral home.  Heroic lawyer always mops neck with big white handkerchief.  Slimy defense attorney never sweats."

Now very many (but not all) of these painful cliches have been incorporated into this video, which I found at Urlesque, a charming site that allows me to waste more time each day than I ever thought possible.  The video was created by BriTANick, two guys who:

"decided that they didn’t want to use the knowledge and experience they garnered in college for anything but creating short stupid videos that would make them laugh."

But wait -- I have one more cliche, which I'm sure will be added to Academy Award Winning Movie Trailer, Part II.

You know a scene occurs at a school because, as the scene opens on the inevitably picturesque multi-story brick building from the 1920s or earlier, the bell will always ring.

Have a movie cliche you'd like to see memorialized?  Lay it on me.

I Must Be Good At Something, But It's Not Graphic Design

I know I have talents.  I know I have abilities (but probably not far beyond those of mortal men).  I'm a decent writer; for example, I know not to use a preposition to end a sentence with.  I can knit.  I can cook pretty well, and even better if I pay attention.  What's more, I can sometimes make people laugh, even without having to slip on a patch of grease on the floor.

But -- as much as it distresses me, I cannot produce these or anything like them:

 

I love design magazines and blogs; these logos and more came from webdesignledger.com

Can you produce anything like them?  If so, don't tell me because it'll just make me feel sad and inadequate.

I've Never

• Intentionally watched Oprah or reality programming of any kind
• Read Catcher in the Rye or anything else by JD Salinger
• Broken a bone (chips, yes, but no clean breaks.  Did you know you can chip the tip of your finger if you slam it in a door?  And that, even years later, your fingertip will twinge when you type?  ow)
• Smoked anything, snorted anything, popped anything
• Seen The Godfather, Titanic, A Christmas Story, Lord of the Rings anything, or The Sixth Sense (although I know someone will shoot his eye out, someone else sees dead people, and another guy should leave the gun but take the cannoli)
• Cooked or served ham
• Read USA Today, or anything by Stephen King (not that Stephen King writes for USA Today.  Does he?  I wouldn't know, since I've never read either, see above)
• Held a loaded handgun (although I held the very old, unloaded pistol that my aunt found in my grandfather's desk after my grandfather died.  It was frozen.  We figured that he intended to throw it at burglars)
• Worn Birkenstocks* or Crocs (but Uggs keep my feet toasty oasty oasty these days)
• Seen Stonehenge in the flesh stone
• Eaten an Egg McMuffin*
• Prepared my own taxes, or anybody else's (for that matter, I'd feel great pity for anyone who had to depend on me to prepare their taxes)

What have you never?

*Spell Check wanted laughingstocks or bluestockings, crocus, scruggs, scruffiness

Sweet Ride

Really, Neiman Marcus?  Do you really think I need a $25,000 cupcake that rolls along at a cool 7 MPH?

No thanks.  I already have the coolest Cupcake in town.

It's Beethoven's birthday!

Order Personalized Photo Calendars from FeeFiFoto and put your favorite cupcake's photo on every page.

My Son Thinks He's Really Funny: Jib Jab Video

This is us. All of us. Even Little Miss, because Robey ran out of Us before he ran out of spaces for faces.

Guess who's who(m).

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

Certain Aspects Of Being A Grownup That I'd Rather Avoid: When A Friend Is Sick

Found out today that a very dear friend has pancreatic cancer.  This gentle, elegant and courageous lady, the wife of an orthodox rabbi, has been nothing but extremely kind to me and my family as long as I've known her.  When I got divorced from the World's Worst Person, lo these many years ago, she sat with me while her husband prepared the Get, or Jewish divorce; then she gave me a small desk clock as a "divorce gift."  When she learned of my plan to begin a family on my own, her delight and support were warm and palpable.

I haven't run into her much since my kids came along.  Still, just knowing that she was out there, supporting me and approving of me, gave me a feeling of strength and security.

I'm feeling crushed.

Sleep

Can't sleep Can't sleep Can't sleep  Can't sleep Can't sleep Can't sleep Can't sleep Can't sleep Can't sleep Can't sleep

Why?

Too many thoughts running through my mind.

What kind of thoughts?

That I Can't sleep Can't sleep Can't sleep  Can't sleep Can't sleep Can't sleep Can't sleep Can't sleep Can't sleep Can't sleep 

Can you sleep?  And by the way, doesn't the word sleep look odd if you read it too many times in succession?

Happy 40th Anniversary, Sesame Street: You Can't Tell Me This Doesn't Bring Tears To Your Eyes

Do you remember when Sesame Street began? I do.

Thanks to Jack for bringing this to my attention.

My sister was four years old and she watched it at home while I had to go to school.  I came home every day and had to listen to her describe each episode breathlessly, excitedly, with glowing eyes.  I was so jealous.  Finally, I had a day off school for snow, or teachers' meetings or the flu or something, and I couldn't wait to see what all the excitement was about.

She was right.  Sesame Street was a miraculous, intimate and long-lasting little treat.  I already knew the alphabet and numbers; it wasn't about the learning.  The charm came from the fact that I thoroughly enjoyed most segments as a nine-year-old, and a 12-year-old, and a 20-year-old; as the aunt of three and the mother of two.  The kids didn't quite understand why I laughed so loudly, but really, how could I help but laugh, at a Paul McCartney concert, when I could sense many of the parents in the crowd were mouthing the words to "Letter B" by the Beetles?

My friend is expecting twins in about a month. One piece of advice I offer to any expectant mother is to choose music you can live with, since you're going to live with it for an awfully long time.  I recommend show tunes, movie soundtracks, and, naturally, Sesame Street.  I picked up a copy of Silly Songs for her today.  How can you go wrong with "The Honker-Duckie-Dinger Jamboree"?

or "The Everything In The Wrong Place Ball"

or "The Elephant Elevator Operator"?

Happy Birthday Sesame Street! And many, many, many more.

What are your favorite things about Sesame Street?

Departed Celebrities

Looks like, at least for a few moments, Ted Kennedy will be eclipsed by DJ AM.

Whoever that is.

It's All In The Timing

Better to die on a slow news day

Quoted from Presidential Anecdotes, by Paul F. Boller, via Amazon:

A reporter on Air Force One asks John F. Kennedy what would happen if the plane crashed. JFK answers: "Two things. First, tomorrow your name would be in the paper. Second, it would be in very small print."

Poor Dominick Dunne.  Outshined by Ted Kennedy.

Has anyone ever stolen your thunder?

Am I Sick? Or Just Faking?

The only good thing about laryngitis is that, even though you feel okay, you still get lots of sympathy.

What I've Done While They've Been Away

Using time productively while the kids are at camp for a month

Planted plants, uprooted plants, moved plants and watered plants, including a Japanese maple I bought at Home Depot on sale for $20...

...except for the uprooting part, unless you classify removing it from the bucket as uprooting, in which case, proceed

Edited, revised and rewrote a long and important essay as part of an application to an educational program for Cupcake

Slept late Gotten up whenever Little Miss decided it was time I got up

Finished knitting a Tallit / Tallis / prayer shawl for Robey to wear at his Bar Mitzvah (more on that another time)

Taught Little Miss to sit and lie down... when she wants to

Spray painted a wooden park bench bright blue,

 

along with a significant portion of the driveway

Gave blood so the local mosquito population might prosper

Watched way more television than I usually do, mostly baseball games and episodes of Scrubs -- never news, talk shows, game shows, or reality shows

Ordered and picked up Cupcake's choir uniform

Dipped some or all of the following in melted Dove dark chocolate: raspberries, strawberries, bananas, spoons, fingers

Mailed invitations to Cupcake's Third Annual Swim Party, to be held at my sister's pool.  We will toss cans of soda (closed) and a watermelon (whole) in the pool; later we will rescue and consume them.

Cuddled babies, who now coo, squirm, and laugh at my jokes, no matter how lame

Pinch hit a few times on Cupcake's blog

Watched the Disney Channel only when I wanted to never

Sorted through my 768-odd and my father's 400-odd photo files from our cruise and loaded them to albums on FeeFiFoto so I can make them into commemorative photo books, as soon as I gain access to Click's 2500-odd photos

What have you accomplished this summer?

Oath Of Citizenship

Alison Becker cautions new citizens that life as an American doesn't completely dovetail with life at Disney World.  She's right.  Still, it's thrilling to witness the glow of pride in a new citizen, isn't it?  And to take the oath at Disney World?  It doesn't get more picturesque than that.

Thoughts On Jury Duty

I feel like I'm at the Humane Society, hoping to be chosen.  Every time one of those clerks come in to page 30 potential jurors I mentally wag my tail.

The security guys order me to throw away the fork and scissors in my bag (which one of my kids left a fork in the lunch bag?  Somebody's in truuuuuble.)  Later I discover that I had two pairs of scissors and they only caught one.  Wish I'd trashed this pair and kept the one I pitched.

I can't believe some people come intending to spend the entire day in this room with nothing to read, nothing to do except stare straight ahead.  Their thoughts must be mighty entertaining.

I feel foolish walking to a restaurant for lunch wearing this silly "Juror" name tag.  They begged us to wear the tags everywhere so attorneys and parties to legal proceedings would know not to talk about their cases in our hearing.  It makes sense, but I still feel dumb.

My friend calls my cell phone and yells at me for being on jury duty, like it's my fault.

I've brought a lot of entertainments: book, newspapers, knitting, laptop.  I get a lot of writing done but can only check email on my Blackberry because: dial up?  Really?  Come on, County Courts -- think about joining us in the 21st Century.  I'll happily donate my per diem to get you started.

By the end of the day those of us who haven't been called are dismissed and told we don't have to come back tomorrow.

I made $10.

It's Bastille Day, And You Know What That Means: Time To Update The About Page

Image here.

In case you're confused, there's really no connection between Bastille Day and updating my About page. I'm just messin' witcha.

I have, however, updated my About page, and here are some highlights:

 I'm a recovering attorney with two kids, two dogs, a gift site called FeeFiFoto (duh), and very little free time on my hands.

1.  I'm really good at parallel parking.  Someone gave me a lesson when I got my first car and I've never forgotten how.  I could park a school bus if I had to.  As long as the bus had an automatic transmission.
2. I did fail parallel parking on the driver's test, however.  Both times.  But I can do it now, I swear.  I even give lessons.
3. I do know how to drive a standard transmission, just not one on a bus.
4. Do they even make school buses with standard transmissions any more?  It's been a very long time since I've ridden a school bus.  Since I get motion sickness even at the mention of a bus, I don't think I'm going to be finding out about the transmissions on school buses any time soon.

Something something spoons...

...

Something something blah blah weather...

I can complete the New York Times crossword puzzle, in ink, any day of the week.

I'm a Beatlemaniac.

I'm a serious chocoholic.  Ask about the chocolate stories sometime.

Blabber about hobbies...

...

I've never smoked a cigarette or taken drugs.  If you need someone who can honestly say that to your kids, call me.

I'm  definitely a Disney and not a Warner Brothers.

Boring information about my family...

I hated practicing law.  I spent most of my tenure slinking around the office clinging to a wall,  wearing beige to fade into the paint, staring at my feet in the hope of never making eye contact with anyone, especially my manic-depressive bipolar secretary, who might yell at me or demand I practice law, for which I clearly was not qualified.

I have math phobia, although unleash me in a roomful of typos and grammatical errors and I'm happy as a hog in a mud puddle.  I might even correct the typos in your comments if you're really nice.  I can't wait until my kids are old enough to handle the family's finances.

Exercise?  Excuse me while I hide...

What my dog ate...

Will somebody please clean up this mess?!...

I have beautiful blue eyes that turn greenish when I wear green, purplish when I wear purple, and turquoiseish when I wear turquoise.

Sports...

I've  been within spitting distance of the following celebrities; although I'm too polite to have spit at any of them there are some at whom I might have liked to spit:  Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter, Eva Gabor*, Larry Hagman, Prince Philip, Shirley Jones*, Nelson Mandela, Neil Diamond, Oprah Winfrey, Joe Namath, Hugh Grant, Teri Garr, Joan Rivers, Lou Brock, August Busch II*, Itzhak Perlman*  (key: "*" indicates handshake or conversation).

More junk about my family...

I can see Russia from my house.

Why are you still here? Get out of here and go update your own About page. Scoot!