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Customer Service: How Not To

Remember those times I raved about surprisingly good customer service?  Well, this isn't one of them.

Robespierre and I wandered into an "antique" shop a couple of weeks ago.  I've never explored the place; I'm not sure how they stay in business since they're often inexplicably closed at peak hours.  It's crammed with scales, catalogs, magazines, boxes, bubble wrap and glass cases haphazardly stuffed with faux-vintage plastic and less-than-semi-precious-stone trinkets from the 70s and 80s, Hummel figurines (anyone else get the willies from those things?), and an oddly out of place autographed football from 2001.

In a vitrine crowded with unremarkable watches and pocket knives we noticed pince-nez*, a pair of those pinch-on-the-nose eyeglasses like Teddy Roosevelt wore.

::Seemingly inexplicable change of subject goes here::

It just so happens that my nephew, Sweet Talker, appeared last week in his school's production of Arsenic and Old Lace.  If you've never seen the film you ought to; it's slapstically, farcically wonderful.  Amazingly, Cary Grant, the Brad Pitt of his day, was an accomplished and uninhibited physical comedian.   He was also a model for James Bond.

My nephew was abundantly pompous as Teddy Brewster, a blustery nut who believes he's Teddy Roosevelt.  Teddy's delusions come in quite handy as his sweet, homicidal maiden aunts assure him that the graves he digs in the cellar of their home are nothing more than locks for the Panama Canal.  Teddy's definitely one of the best roles in the play and Sweet Talker OWNED that role.

Here's a clip from the movie showing Teddy in action:

 

::Seemingly inexplicable change of subject ties in to original subject here::

A few days before the play opened I remembered the pince-nez and thought it might be nice to pick them (it?) up for my nephew as a memento (yeah, I'm the one who sent my niece flowers when she learned to tie her shoes).  Someone at the restaurant next door was kind enough to look up the shop's name and phone number.

Now that's excellent customer service. 

Unfortunately our story's not yet finished.

The lady who answered the phone kept repeating that she was just filling in for the owner and she couldn't possibly help me.  No matter how I tried to charm her, beg her or reason with her, she simply would not tell me the price of the pince-nez or even look for them, even though I tried to explain precisely where they were located.

So Robespierre and I stopped by the shop to evaluate the pince-nez in person.

There she was (the lady, not the pince-nez), stationed in a chair in a cluttered corner, shoes off.

She wouldn't show me the glasses.  She wouldn't open the case.  She wouldn't get up off her chair.  She wouldn't even put on her shoes.

She was willing to call the owner to find out that he might return soon.

Sweet Talker got lots of hugs and praise for his performance, but no pince-nez.

I think that store must be a front for a speakeasy.

*By the way, I have nothing constructive, instructive or destructive to say about the apparent renaissance in pince-nez use, as evidenced by an actual and regularly updated blog called Pince-Nez Renaissance.  Draw your own conclusions.

It's Passover: Let's Get Unleavened

Image courtesy of Diana's Desserts

Happy Passover to all my Jewish friends, and to all the Gentiles out there who think matzah is yummy and delicious -- just be grateful you don't have to eat it for a solid week.

For anyone who doesn't know, Passover is a Jewish holiday that comes in the spring, commemorating our escape from slavery in Egypt. Jewish families gather to retell the story of the Exodus so that we and our descendants will always remember. Different aspects of the story are represented by different foods we display on the table and eat. The youngest child present takes part in the service by asking four questions about the meaning of the holiday, and the rest of the pre- and post-meal service comprises the retelling of the story and an explanation of the various foods and traditions.

During Passover we refrain from eating anything leavened, including pasta, crackers, cookies, pancakes, cereals, and bread, of course. Instead, we eat matzah, which is a flat, unleavened cracker representing the dough that the Jews didn't have time to let rise as they prepared to flee. There are strict rules for manufacturing matzah, such as the requirement that the manufacturing process, from start to finish, take less than 18 minutes.

Even though we're prohibited from eating anything leavened, however, we've developed creative ways of working within the restrictions. There are recipes and mixes for KFP (Kosher for Passover) cookies, cakes, rolls, pancakes, brownies -- almost anything you can imagine. How do we do it? With eggs -- eggs, eggs, eggs, and lots of 'em! Mix matzah meal (matzah flour) with lots of beaten eggs, scoop onto a pan and bake, and voila -- Passover popovers. Every Jewish family treasures at least one recipe for Passover brownies. Passover angel food cake -- no problem. Matzahs dipped in dark chocolate are mouth watering (although I'd eat just about anything dipped in chocolate anyway); and you haven't lived until you've experienced matzah brei, which is crushed matzahs soaked in eggs and then scrambled for breakfast.

So, Happy Passover to everyone, and remember -- eat lots of fruit and salads for the next week.

Lions and Hydras and Boars, Oh My!

Cupcake's grade is just wrapping up their unit on Ancient Greece; last week they presented their play, based on the twelve labors of Heracles (Hercules).  Heracles was forced to perform twelve tasks to atone for having killed his wife and children in an insane rage.

Here's a recap (thanks to the Encyclopedia Mythica); italicized and/or pointless insightful comments are mine:

Heracles was the son of the god Zeus and Alcmene. His gift was fabulous strength; Heracles' main antagonist was Hera. She eventually drove him mad, during which time he killed his own children and his brother's. He was so grieved upon recovery that he exiled himself and consulted the oracle of Apollo. The oracle told him to perform twelve labors:

1. Kill the lion of Nemea. Its thick skin was impervious to weapons; after seeing his arrows just bounce off the animal's hide, Heracles strangled it.
2. Kill the nine-headed Hydra. Two new heads would grow on the Hydra from each fresh wound, and one was immortal. Heracles burned the eight and put the immortal one under a rock.  The Hydra in the fifth grade play looked suspiciously like a bunch of sock-adorned hands popping in and out of holes in a pink tablecloth.
3. Capture the Ceryneian Hind (a female red deer that belonged to the goddess Artemis).  Heracles chased it for many months, then captured it alive.
4. Kill the wild boar of Erymanthus.  The boar in the play was a stuffed pig with white tusks pinned inside its grinning mouth.  Rather than instilling fear in the audience, this hapless adorable swine inspired mainly snickers.
   
5. Clean the Augean Stables, which hadn't been mucked out in thirty years.  The muck was portrayed by several large brown (odorless, thank goodness -- or maybe thank Zeus) pillows.  Heracles diverted a nearby river to wash the muck away, with the aid of several actors dressed as cows.
6. Kill the carnivorous birds of Stymphalis.  What a surprise: fifth graders wearing feather boas, even pink ones, look exactly like man-eating birds.
7. Capture the wild bull of Crete.
8. Capture the man-eating mares of Diomedes, played by half a dozen of these:  
9. Obtain the girdle of Hippolyta, the queen of the Amazons.  Cupcake played Hippolyta and the girdle was a golden, woven leather belt that the actors found gaudily wonderful but which I actually used to wear back in the days when I had Duran Duran hair.  Cupcake had a rollicking death scene:     
   
10. Capture the oxen of Geryon.  Lots of livestock tending going on here.
11. Take the golden apples from the garden of the Hesperides. Heracles tricked Atlas into getting he apples by offering to hold the Earth for Atlas. When Atlas returned with the apples, Heracles asked him to take the Earth (a beach ball masquerading as a globe) for a moment so he could go get a pillow for his aching shoulders. Atlas did so (in one performance actually dropping the beach ball globe, but it wasn't the end of the world -- or was it?) and Heracles left with his apples.  Cupcake was the head of Atlas, supported by an unseen minion on each side:   

     Where have I seen this before?  Oh yes:   

12.  Bring Cerberus, the three-headed dog of Hades, to the surface world.  Cupcake also played Cerberus but with only one head instead of the traditional three because, as she noted on her blog, the other two were off duty.  I think she was supposed to evoke this image:     The best aspect of this role?  She got to eat a cookie in every show.

Feel free to compliment Cupcake and her class as much as you want.  If not, no problem; I'll still revisit this post every once in a while just to put a smile on my face.

Pi

Here.  I could see giving this clock to my father and then having to listen to him interpret and explain all its interpretations whether I needed to know or not.  Yeah, maybe I'll skip that part; it sounds like math to me.

here.   This is glass.  It portrays Pi to 1498 decimal places and it comes in all kinds of pretty colours (notice the British spelling on account of it comes from Britain).  The designer is donating 5 pounds (about eight dollars) from every pi bowl sold for the rest of March and all of April to the British Red Cross to help with relief efforts in Japan.

Here.  I don't get it.  Please don't try to explain.

Here.  This one I get.

Here.  ::giggle::  It's Pumpkin  Pi.  Get it?  Get it??!!

Okay, guess what day it is.

PS: This is neat too:

March 1 Is...

National Pig Day and Peanut Butter Lover's Day.

I have nothing relevant to say about pigs or peanut butter.  So, I'm going to wing it.

Anne Hathaway is stunning, funny and talented.

James Franco has four master's degrees and is working on a PhD in English.

Using a hologram of Bob Hope to announce awards for special effects was downright creepy.

Inviting Kirk Douglas, a stroke survivor, to present an award was brilliant.

Jennifer Hudson is glorious.

What is Helena Bonham Carter thinking when she looks in her closet?  As a corollary, does she even own a mirror?

Why aren't Academy Award commercials as great as Super Bowl commercials?  Except for the Fancy Feast ad with the white kitten.

Natalie Portman attended Harvard.

 

It's Be Humble Day

There was a brief time, about one semester of law school, when I was feeling so blue and self-pitying that I tried to drown my sorrows in country music. I loved this song by Mac "Raindrops-Keep-Falling-On-My Head" Davis:

 

Oh Lord it's hard to be humble when you're perfect in every way
I can't wait to look in the mirror 'cause I get better lookin' each day
To know me is to love me, I must be a hell of a man
Oh Lord it's hard to be humble, but I'm doin' the best that I can

I know it's hard, but please try.

Wasn't the Muppet Show wonderful?  Discuss.

The Dance Of The Sugarplum Fishies

Big Dumb Athlete?

Not this one:

 

• O'Neal promised his mother he would return to school and in 2000 he earned a BA in General Studies from LSU.
• He earned an MBA online in 2005.
• He is currently working toward a PhD in Leadership and Education with a specialization in Human Resource Development at Barry University.  His dissertation topic is: “How Leaders Utilize Humor or Aggression in Leadership Styles.”

I'm posting this charming video because I'm impressed that O'Neal seems to have taken his job as guest conductor of the Boston Pops seriously.  If I ever find out, however, that he terrorizes his family, takes steroids or tortures innocent animals, out he goes.

Are you 7'1"?  Can you dunk?  Do you have an MBA?  Have you conducted the Boston Pops, even in your dreams?

Yes Virginia, The Twelve Days Of Christmas Carol Can Indeed Be Rendered Tolerable

The adult chorus sang this piece last night at the Bach holiday concert where Cupcake's choir performed. Believe me, if I could have recorded it without fear of being hustled from the hall or arrested, I would have.  Instead, we'll just have to make do with these videos (thanks YouTube!) and you'll get the idea.  If you're at all an aficionado of classical music you'll catch on; make sure you watch both parts and I'm pretty sure you'll be nearly as tickled as I was.

Or do you prefer this one?

Christmas Is Coming And You Know What That Means...

 

 

It's time to check in again with Mr. Bean!

I Keep Hoping

...that someday I'll have to good fortune to witness something like this in person.

You Must Must MUST See This

Excuse me -- I'm going to watch it again

 

 

...and now again

Found this at Neatorama

Come Waste Time With Me. It's Only Fair.

Since I just blew invested so much time in enjoying this, I think you ought to also. Don't blame me. What do you think about this extravagant use of Post-It notes?

Click here to find way more stop motion films. If you're really serious about wasting time, you should subscribe to Mental Floss, which provides a very efficient conduit for crossing "Procrastination" off your daily to-do list.

Or, you could just watch this:

A Show About Scrappers

I don't really want to watch this show. I'm just really looking forward to the uproar when all the ladies find out this isn't a program about scrapbooking.

The Scrappers Premiere Preview! | SpikeTV | SPIKE.com

Fedex Breaks Guitars

Remember this video from this cute guy, Dave Carroll?

Well, United isn't the only carrier that breaks guitars. Fedex breaks them too! Just look:

A little background:

My kids (and everyone else's) come home from Bar and Bat Mitzvah parties schlepping armloads of deplorable plastic rubbish that inevitably winds up in landfills, causing me to cringe with guilt when I trash it while the kids are at school so they won't notice it's gone, which they never do, which proves how meaningless all this debris is to them in the first place.

I swore not to commit the same environmental sin in connection with Robespierre's Bar Mitzvah party, much to Robey's annoyance.  Despite his protests I held firm and advocated for more useful giveaways than Kanye West glasses or pimp hats or glow sticks. 

Such as lollipops.

Handmade lollipops, to be precise (from Vintage Confections, via Etsy) in the shape of sports balls, Robey's initials, and electric guitars.  

Vintage Confections offers barley sugar lollipops and candies in 49 flavors,

(really -- 49?  You couldn't spring for one more to make it an even 50?)

including (ready?): Amaretto Apple Blackberry Blueberry Blue Raspberry Bubble Gum Caramel Champagne Cheesecake Cherry Cinnamon Cinnamon Roll (with or without "icing") Clove Coconut Coffee Cotton Candy Cranberry Creme de Menthe Eggnog Fleur de Sel Grape Grapefruit Honey Horchata Irish Creme Juicy Pear Keoke Coffee Key Lime Lemon Lemonade Mango Maple Marshmallow Orange Peppermint Pineapple Pomegranate Prickly Pear Raspberry Root Beer Salt Water Taffy Strawberry/Kiwi Strawberry Tangerine Teaberry Tropical Punch Tutti Frutti Vanilla AND Watermelon.

The manufacturer was delightful to deal with -- prompt and helpful, and the candies look almost too pretty to eat.

Don't they look yummy?

 

And aren't they pretty?

Two hundred lollipops arrived yesterday in a cardboard box snugly packed with shredded paper. 

But four of the guitars arrived BROKEN!  Their necks were cleanly shattered and we had no choice but to end their misery by eating them.

They were delicious.

Alas Fedex -- I blame you.  How could you fail me so severely?

If I had any musical talent to speak of, I'd write a song.

Fun With Movie Cliches

Thanks to encouragement from Roger Ebert, I frequently blight my own movie-watching experience by tabulating movie cliches.  For example, take the Seeing-Eye Man:

"Function performed by most men in Hollywood feature films.  Involves a series of shots in which (1) the man sees something, (2) he points it out to the woman, (3) she then sees it too, often nodding in agreement, gratitude, amusement, or relief." 

Or the Hot Justice Syndrome:

"All trials that are held south of the Mason-Dixon line take place during the summer in a non-air-conditioned courtroom filled with people airing themselves with fans from a funeral home.  Heroic lawyer always mops neck with big white handkerchief.  Slimy defense attorney never sweats."

Now very many (but not all) of these painful cliches have been incorporated into this video, which I found at Urlesque, a charming site that allows me to waste more time each day than I ever thought possible.  The video was created by BriTANick, two guys who:

"decided that they didn’t want to use the knowledge and experience they garnered in college for anything but creating short stupid videos that would make them laugh."

But wait -- I have one more cliche, which I'm sure will be added to Academy Award Winning Movie Trailer, Part II.

You know a scene occurs at a school because, as the scene opens on the inevitably picturesque multi-story brick building from the 1920s or earlier, the bell will always ring.

Have a movie cliche you'd like to see memorialized?  Lay it on me.

Okay, Okay -- I Promise I'll Write Something

In the meantime, cuddle up with the Shiba Inu Puppy Cam: Streaming Video by Ustream.TV Our next door neighbor had an escape artist Shiba Inu.  That dog was like a cockroach -- she could squeeze through any space large enough to accommodate her head.  She'd dart through the fence, over the fence, under the fence, around the fence -- every preposition related to a fence that you could imagine.  They spent more time chasing her than anything else.  Her luck finally ran out though when she ran out one time too many and into traffic.

These Shiba Inus are too tiny to run away, so enjoy.

Have you been having a tough time writing too?

Hallelujah -- Something Completely Different For Christmas

Many many thanks to Omidog! for posting this spectacular piece. I made my day year.

Shake It

Thanks to my friend Jeff for leading me to this:

No Need To Watch These

I usually concentrate on the needs of my readers, but occasionally I indulge in a touch of egocentricism.  I'm posting these to create a permanent record of the acting genius of Cupcake The Narrator. There's no obligation to watch these or leave a comment.  Nobody will pull up stakes, move to North Dakota and become a hermit if you don't visit Cupcake's blog and leave her a compliment.  No sirree bob -- no one's keeping score, no one knows where you live, and no one has a garage full of toilet paper which might accidentally on purpose end up entwined in your trees.  Nope.

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